I'm starting a new series called ask me anything. This series will be a direct response to questions that you asked me.
Today's topic is about the narcissists new relationships. So let's get started. (Closed captioning provided by
Athena Moberg and CPTSDfoundation.org). My name is Angie Atkinson and on this channel
I offer free, daily video coaching to help you discover, understand and overcome
narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships. I like to call it toxic relationship rehab.
So if that sounds good to you, hit that Subscribe button and let's get going.
So the question today is why does the ex narcissist seem
so happy with the lady he cheated on me with, he then
discarded me and married her about two weeks after my discard, they seem so happy
posting lovey-dovey pictures all over social media and now I'm asking myself was I such a terrible person?.
How can he move on and be so happy?.
Why does the narcissist do everything you wanted to do with his new supply after you discard them?.
This is a great question and I think it deserves its own video.
So let's just jump into it.
The first thing you have to remember is that the new supply is in a very difficult place, because even though right now they feel
like competition in reality
they're more like a successor, because the narcissist has patterns in their relationships
and right now they're at the beginning of the pattern with the new supply,so they're in the love-bombing phase.
I'm going to share with you a little bit more information about this, take a look.
I want you to take a moment to imagine something with me,
if you will. You've left your toxic narcissist after so many years of mental and emotional abuse.
You're finally starting to breathe again, right?.
You're finally free of the horrible, selfish
energy that the narcissist carries around with him or her and you feel like you're a brand new person,
life is just starting to get really, really good
and then it happens as you're humming to yourself in the grocery store one day, you spot your former would be
soulmate, two whales over and there's something different about
her, they seem happier, they seem brighter, relaxed even. They're laughing, they're talking, they're even being charming.
Hmm, right?, you're confused, you're hurt, you're angry. A far cry from the person
you recently knew, this narcissist has somehow
transformed back into the amazing person you originaly met, the one you fell in love with,
but seconds later, almost as if time is moving in slow motion, you
recognize what's going on here?. Your narcissist has found their next victim,
they're in the process of love bombing the next victim and for just a moment, you have a front-row seat,
I know it stings my friend,
I know it hurts
when you see that person you fell in love with re-emerging now that you're gone
and I know that you wonder at least a little bit if somehow the narcissist was right all along,
was it really just you?.
Were you really the problem in that relationship and it wasn't that person
after all?. Why does the narcissist become the person you fell in love with when you leave?. It's time for a reality
check my love. First, I want to acknowledge that while every step in the process is incredibly painful,
this one is probably one of the most confusing.
See, well
the bigger part of you knows that the narcissist is never going to really change,
this other little part of you still loves the narcissist or the version of the narcissist that you once
believed was real and that's the part of the narcissist that they're parading around right now.
So it's like you're mourning the version of the person you fell in love with many years ago or months ago or whatever,
but I want to repeat something to you here,
the problem wasn't you, the problem was that the narcissist started taking you for granted.
The narcissist got used to having you around, maybe the narcissist had shiny new object
syndrome or they said; life is too boring.
Well, you know,
gotta go and maybe they left to pursue whatever it was that they wanted in that moment,
maybe you just finally had enough and you've left the narcissist yourself. In any case, here's the reason the narcissist suddenly becomes mister or miss
perfect again, whether it was their idea to end things or yours,
they are now without a source of narcissistic supply at least a primary source
and so that means, guess what my friend?, the narcissist is on the prowl. This is normal, and sadly for the narcissist
you already know how this story's gonna end, right?. As you know,
narcissists have a little personality issue.
They're kind of hard to live with and even a reasonably intelligent person
would feel ashamed that they tolerate the bullshit, so they may keep it under wraps,
like you probably did. So you might never know for sure my friend, but
narcissistic abuse does run in cycles and this is one of the cycles.
So if I'm in your shoes at this point,
I'm gonna make use of the no-contact, low contact thing and I'm gonna use that to my advantage.
That means lock both the narcissist and the new supply on Facebook. So this way you don't have to see it,
you don't have to torture yourself by looking at their profiles and all their happy, happy pictures.
It means you don't listen when some well-meaning flying monkey comes along to tell you updates on the narcissist.
It means you're gonna move forward and focus only on what you can control
not what you can't.
Look,
you couldn't control them while you were together, you sure as hell can't control them now nor should you want to.
The narcissist my friend is no longer your problem and that's a blessing.
So how do you deal with the painful reality of watching your narcissist be perfect for another person?.
Well
you start by remembering what it was that you've dealt with in your relationship and by recognizing
what this new person is gonna deal with now that they're in that relationship, because the truth is the narcissist only has one relationship,
that's the one with him or herself.
Everybody else is just in their minds, an extension and listen,
even if you're tempted to warn the narcissist new supply about what he or she is getting themselves into, don't do it.
Even if your intentions are good, it won't work. The fact of the matter
is that, giving a narcissist new supply a heads up seems like a great idea,
especially if you're a caring, loving person. The narcissist has already told this person you're crazy.
They've probably already told this person that you might try to warn them and except they put it like
just be aware, this person is really obsessed with me,
so they may come and be like, hey, he abused me or she abused me.
She did this, she did that, but the fact of the matter is that person is crazy blah, blah.
In any case,
so don't sit around
thinking that the narcissist new supply will end up getting the benefit of all your work, all the work you did trying to fix the
narcissist, because it doesn't work that way my friend. The narcissist, they are what they are and even other experts will tell you a
narcissist can't change, at least not for long.
Anyway,
remember this, you are not really mourning the person that you lost, your'remourning the illusion of
what you believe that person was. It's an ever turning cycle that the narcissist repeats in
varying iterations for the rest of his or her life, be glad you're off the wheel.
Stay focused on yourself and on making your own life better.
You have already been tortured enough my friend
and if you let this situation continue to make you miserable,
you're only going to allow the narcissist to continue the abuse from afar.You are allowing the
narcissist to remain in control of yourself, even though you're not with him or her anymore.
So take back at your life, choose to be happy in your own way,
the way that makes you happy. Focus on what you can control and not what you can't control. Heal and
release the anger, as one of my beautiful SPAN members once said, work on your healing and the layers of anger will soon disappear.
One of the hardest things for this person was mourning the illusion of the perfect relationship,
the one that we all want to believe. Letting go of that, she said was a huge step for her.
So I want you to remember never compare yourself to another supply, a new supply, an old supply,
unless you do so in order to feel sorry for him or her, because I'm sure if you bother to look which I hope that
you don't, you will see the narcissists pattern doesn't change.
This is a pattern maker thankfully no longer subjected to in your life.
This is a pattern that is painful for anyone who goes through it, on the receiving end
of course. Don't do yourself the disservice of trying to think of the new supply as somehow better than you. The truth
is that narcissists are very picky in their own ways, chances are if the new supply seems better
somehow, it's only because the narcissist hasn't ruined the new supply yet.
Don't "if only" and "what if" yourself to death.
It's common to have feelings of regret after a relationship ends.
Listen, you wouldn't be human if you didn't wonder - Hmm, what could I have done differently?.
Did something I do or say trigger this breakup?. Did it all go downhill because of me?, but listen my friend,
first of all, that's probably not the case and second of all it's not helping you,
it's not helping you to do any better for yourself, it's only causing you more pain.
Yeah,
chances are you couldn't have changed the situation even if you wanted to, at least not without going completely insane
trying to make the narcissist happy.
Now it's time to live in the moment, in time to think about how you want your future to go.
Alright now this brings me to the question of the day and the question of the day is; Have you been through watching your narcissist?
get a new supply and go through the love-bombing phase and how did you feel?.
Share your thoughts, share your ideas, share your experiences in the comments section below and let's talk about it.
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