KNOX CITY GREYHOUNDS,
IT'S TIME TO GET SERIOUS!
THERE IS NOBODY BETTER!
AND THERE IS NO OTHER HIGH SCHOOL SIX-MAN FOOTBALL TEAM
THAT IS HUNGRIER THAN THESE GUYS!
TYLYNNE EATON!
HEATH HAM!
JESUS RODRIGUEZ!
PUT ON A HELMET!
TIME TO GET PHYSICAL!
IT'S TIME TO DOMINATE!
[GROWLS]
[SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]
WE ARE BY FAR
THE ABSOLUTE NUMBER ONE BEST
IN THE WORLD.
IF HE LOOKS FAMILIAR,
IT'S BECAUSE HE USED TO STAR IN THAT SHOW
THAT'S CHAD, AND HE MAKES MOTIVATIONAL VIDEOS
TO FIRE UP HIS BELOVED HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL TEAM,
THE KNOX CITY GREYHOUNDS,
WHICH APPEARS TO BE
IN A HIGH RADIATION AREA OF TEXAS.
HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL IS A RELIGION IN TEXAS
BECAUSE ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN WATCHING TONY ROMO
[BLEEP] THE BED SEASON AFTER SEASON.
IF A HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL GAME
IS THE MOST INTERESTING THING TO DO ON A FRIDAY NIGHT,
YOU SHOULD BURN YOUR TOWN TO THE GROUND.
IT'S THE WORST VERSION OF FOOTBALL.
THE QUARTERBACKS CAN'T THROW 10 YARDS,
THE RUNNING BACKS ARE WHITE,
AND THE ONLY ACTION WORTH WATCHING
IS HAPPENING UNDERNEATH THE BLEACHERS.
NO COUNTRY CARES MORE ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL ATHLETICS
THAN AMERICA.
THAT'S BECAUSE CARING ABOUT OUR TEST SCORES
WOULD BE A REAL DOWNER.
I DIDN'T PLAY HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL
BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE STUPID PARENTS.
PRESIDENT OBAMA SAID
HE WOULDN'T LET HIS CHILD PLAY FOOTBALL,
BUT IF THAT KID HAD MICHELLE'S SHOULDERS,
HE'D BE AN ABSOLUTE BEAST.
THE TOOTH IS, I RESPECT
CHAD'S DEEP, ALMOST UNNATURAL LOVE OF THE GAME.
THAT'S WHY I FLEW THAT HUMAN CAN OPENER TO L.A.
FOR THIS WEEK'S CE-WEB-RITY PROFILE.
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL?
WELCOME TO
BROUGHT TO YOU BY CLEARASIL
AND PLANNED PARENTHOOD.
WITH ME AS ALWAYS, CHAD.
CHAD, GOT A GREAT WEEK OF FOOTBALL AHEAD OF US.
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
HOW LONG YOU BEEN WATCHING HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL?
I'VE BEEN WATCHING HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL SINCE 2011.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE A LIFELONG FAN.
OH. [LAUGHS]
WELL, I AM NOW.
- WHERE ARE YOU FROM, CHAD? - I AM FROM KNOX CITY.
- DID YOU GROW UP HERE? - NO, I GREW UP IN HASKELL.
- IN WHERE? - HASKELL.
- HASKELL. - HASKELL, TEXAS.
NOW EXPLAIN TO ME THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN 6-MAN AND 11-MAN.
SIX-MANS IS AT--
IF YOU GET 45 POINTS ON YOUR OPPONENT,
THE GAME IS OVER.
AND 11-MAN, YOU CAN GET,
LIKE, 100,000 POINTS.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
DO THEY HAVE A FULL CHEERLEADING SQUAD,
OR IS IT A THREE-PERSON CHEERLEADING SQUAD?
- IT'S FULL. - OKAY.
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE US ALL A LITTLE HISTORY LESSON
ABOUT KNOX CITY AND THEIR RIVALRY GAME.
THE THROCKMORTON GREYHOUNDS AND KNOX CITY GREYHOUNDS
ARE THE GREYHOUNDS.
IT'S TWO DOGS, TWO BEASTS,
GOING AGAINST EACH OTHER,
AND IT IS PRIDE ON THE LINE EVERY SINGLE TIME.
AND KNOX CITY HAS GOTTEN CLOSE,
BUT THEY'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO BEAT THROCKMORTON.
EVER.
HOW MANY YEARS HAS THIS GAME BEEN GOING ON?
I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING IT FOR THREE YEARS.
IT'S BEEN GOING ON FOR A LOT LONGER THAN THAT.
SO IT'S BEEN GOING ON LONGER THAN THREE YEARS.
LONGER THAN THREE YEARS.
SO TALK ABOUT WHEN YOU STARTED MAKING
THESE SHOUT-OUT VIDEOS.
WHEN I MADE THE SHOUT-OUT VIDEO,
IT WAS A BIG, BIG, BIG HIT.
AND THE PLAYERS, THEY LOVED IT.
THEY WATCHED IT SEVERAL, SEVERAL TIMES,
AND THEY WERE MORE READY THAN EVER THAT SEASON
JUST BECAUSE OF THAT VIDEO.
SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT YOU HAD A BIGGER INFLUENCE
ON THE HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL PROGRAM
THAN PROBABLY THE COACHES.
- FAIR? - WELL, FAIR, YOU BET.
HAS ANYBODY EVER DUMPED GATORADE ON TOP OF YOU?
NO, NEVER.
NEVER.
DID YOU PLAY ANY FOOTBALL?
I NEARLY DID.
- YOU NEARLY DID. - I NEARLY DID.
AND THAT WASN'T MY FAULT EITHER.
BACK WHEN I WAS GOING TO HASKELL HIGH SCHOOL--
BACK WHEN YOU WERE GOING TO WHERE--
"HIGH SCHOOL" HIGH SCHOOL?
- HASKELL. - HASKELL, OKAY.
YEAH, HASKELL HIGH SCHOOL.
- GOTCHA. - YES.
I SUITED UP,
AND I GUESS BECAUSE OF MY SHYNESS--
- YOU'RE SHY? - I WAS SHY BACK THEN, YES.
BUT I SUITED UP,
AND THE COACH TOOK ONE LOOK AT ME AND SAID,
"NO, YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO IT."
- DID YOU GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL? - NO.
SEE, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
YOU CAN GO BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL.
YOU COULD PLAY ONE YEAR.
- EXACTLY. - THAT'S WHAT KNOX CITY NEEDS.
DO YOU LIKE WATCHING CHILDREN PLAY ANY OTHER SPORTS?
NO.
ANY OF THE KIDS GET SCARED OF YOU?
SOME.
DO YOU FOLLOW GROWN-UP FOOTBALL?
NFL, YES.
- WHO'S YOUR TEAM? - DALLAS.
YOU THINK THE DOLPHINS WILL EVER GO BACK TO THE SUPER BOWL?
IF THEY TRY HARD ENOUGH.
IT'S HOW BADLY DO THEY WANT IT.
HOW HUNGRY ARE THEY?
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HUNGRY?
FIVE MINUTES AGO. [LAUGHS]
ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT?
- YES. - WHAT ARE YOU AT RIGHT NOW?
I AM AT 10 POUNDS LIGHTER THAN I WAS.
WHAT WERE YOU BEFORE? YOU WANT ME TO GUESS IT?
- GO AHEAD. - 250.
- CLOSE. - HUH.
330.
OKAY, THAT REALLY WASN'T CLOSE.
[LAUGHING]
NOW IT'S TIME FOR CHAD'S TASTE OF THE TOWN.
THAT'S MY FAVORITE SEGMENT, CHAD.
YOU ARE GONNA LOVE THIS TOO.
WE HAVE AN AUTHENTIC FIESTADA
FROM THE KNOX CITY CAFETERIA.
- OOH. - GO AHEAD.
SINK YOUR TOOTH INTO THAT.
I'M TOLD THERE'S OVER 750 MILLIGRAMS OF SODIUM
IN ONE SERVING.
OH, YEAH.
HERE WE GO, BABY. HA.
HOW IS SHE?
- DELICIOUS. - MMM.
WHAT'S THE BEST FOOTBALL MOVIE YOU'VE EVER SEEN?
UM, TITANS...
-
- YOU ALMOST FORGOT IT. - YES.
WHAT DO YOU DO WITH YOURSELF THE 40 WEEKS A YEAR
HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL ISN'T IN SEASON?
I'M ALWAYS THINKING OF THE SHOUT-OUT.
IT'S JUST AROUND THE CORNER.
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR TODAY'S PICK.
FIRST UP, WE HAVE
ASTRONAUT HIGH SCHOOL-- MY ALUM--
THE FIGHTING WAR EAGLES,
VERSUS THE TITUSVILLE TERRIERS.
WHO DO YOU THINK IS MORE FAMOUS,
ME OR CRIS COLLINSWORTH?
BOTH GRADUATES FROM ASTRONAUT HIGH SCHOOL.
THE OTHER.
YOU THINK CRIS IS MORE FAMOUS?
YEAH.
[LAUGHING]
ASTRONAUT IS GONNA MISS DE'ANDRE MCCRAY UNDER CENTER,
BUT TREVOR SUSIE...
[WHISTLES]
IS A SHARP KID
WITH A MONSTER ARM.
CANNON.
I LIKE THE WAR EAGLES AT HOME.
GREAT PICK, DANIEL.
BUT IT'S NOT EASY BRINGING DOWN
JALEEL DAVIS.
IT'LL BE A BATTLE UP FRONT,
BUT I THINK ASTRONAUT TAKES HOME THE HENRY HUDSON TROPHY.
OH-HO-HO!
FROM YOUR TOOTH TO GOD'S EARS,
I HOPE SO.
NOW FOR THE GRANDDADDY
OF THEM ALL,
KNOX CITY VERSUS THROCKMORTON.
GREYHOUND VERSUS GREYHOUND.
VERY CONFUSING FOR AN INNER-CITY RIVALRY.
I PERSONALLY WILL BE PICKING
THROCKMORTON BECAUSE
IT'S JUST FUN TO SAY.
DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT EITHER OF THE TEAMS.
PERSONALLY, I THINK
SIX-MAN FOOTBALL IS STUPID,
BUT THROCKMORTON.
- WHO YOU GOT? - KNOX CITY!
THROCKMORTON HAS HAD YOUR NUMBER
YEAR AFTER YEAR AFTER YEAR!
WHO'S HUNGRIER?
WHO WANTS IT MORE?
WELL, WHO YOU GONNA PICK?
YEAH!
OH!
OKAY. OKAY, NOW,
IS THAT A KNOX CITY GREYHOUND
OR A THROCKMORTON GREYHOUND?
I DON'T REALLY CARE,
AS LONG AS IT COVERS YOUR FACE.
I'M TEASIN'. ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.
I'M GONNA GO GRAB ONE OF THOSE NUTRITIOUS FIESTADAS
FROM THE CAFETERIA.
AS WE ALL KNOW,
CHAD HERE IS NOT LEGALLY ALLOWED
TO BE NEAR THE FIELD WHEN THE KIDS COME OUT.
I'LL BE DOING MY PART AND LISTENING ON THE RADIO!
ENJOY FOOTBALL FRIDAY.
WE GOT KNOX CITY AND THROCKMORTON,
COMING UP NEXT.
[GENTLE ELECTRIC GUITAR MUSIC]
♪ ♪
(MAN ON RADIO) THE GREYHOUNDS ARE REALLY PUTTING IT TO THROCKMORTON.
IF ONLY THERE WAS--
(MAN ON RADIO) MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARED YESTERDAY AFTER PRACTICE.
(MAN ON RADIO) THE GREYHOUNDS TAKE A KNEE.
THE CLOCK TICKS DOWN,
AND THAT IS IT.
THAT'S THE BALL GAME.
KNOX CITY HAS BEATEN THROCKMORTON
FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER,
59 TO ZIP.
IT IS A MIRACLE.
CLEAR EYES, ONE TOOTH,
CAN'T LOSE.
SOMETHING ABOUT BEING ON THE
WITH MY FROSTED TIPS MADE ME WANT TO CHEAT ON MY WIFE,
REPEATEDLY.