On this episode of China Uncensored,
A coup attempt in China?
Sounds like a coup for the show!
Did somebody cut the cheese?
And finally,
the Communist Party’s version of the Voice.
This is China Uncensored.
Hi, welcome to China Uncensored,
I’m your host Chris Chappell.
I have to start off this episode
by giving a big personal thank you
to the man responsible for it all—
Chinese leader Xi Jinping.
According to one Chinese official speaking on the sidelines
of the 19th Party Congress,
Xi Jinping “saved the party,
saved the military
and saved the country over the past five years ...
He saved socialism.”
Which means...
he saved China Uncensored!
If the Communist Party fell,
what would I do with myself?
Make an America Uncensored?
That official was not just praising Xi Jinping in general,
he was also specifically referring to Xi Jinping
stopping an attempted coup.
And he named names.
Just like a good Communist.
That was just one of many bombs dropped
during the 19th Party Congress.
Fortunately none of them were from North Korea.
We’ll have the full story on the 19th Party Congress
later in the episode.
But let me just say,
something’s rotten in the state of China…
What?
I’m talking about cheese.
China has lifted a ban on stinky cheese.
That’s right,
stinky cheese can now proudly take its place again
on the shelves of Chinese supermarkets,
alongside Durian and stinky tofu.
Just don’t go to any store
that specializes in all three.
So why the change?
Well, in September,
the Chinese regime put a quarantine on
the bacterial and mold strains
that make several types of soft
and mold ripened cheeses.
They were probably cheesed off at
the European Union for something.
But following a recent meeting with EU officials,
that got sorted.
Chinese sales are expected to reach
800 million dollars this year,
according to research firm Euromonitor.
And now the Chinese people
can look up to Xi Jinping
for yet another thing—
cutting the cheese.
Don’t ever say that, though.
He’ll know.
Seriously, he’ll know.
According to Human Rights Watch,
the Chinese regime
“has been collecting the voice patterns
of tens of thousands of people,”
to aid its dystopian surveillance network.
And you won’t believe the person they hired
to collect those voices.
Never trust a creature
with more than four tentacles.
And the best part is,
the CCP isn’t even telling the people
that are being sampled.
Police are allowed to collect
“fingerprints, palm prints, and profile photos,
as well as urine and DNA samples”,
not just from criminals,
but also from anyone suspected of a crime.
And in China,
human rights aren’t the only thing that’s disappearing.
So are the glaciers.
Xinjiang is home to 20,000 glaciers.
That’s half of all China’s glaciers.
But “Since the 1950s,
all of Xinjiang's glaciers have retreated
by between 21 percent to 27 percent.”
That’s about 30 feet a year.
At this rate, in 50 years,
more than half will be gone.
But don’t worry!
That means more land for development.
But even you if you can’t enjoy the gentle sound
of snow crunching under your feet,
you can at least enjoy the sound of glass
giving way under you feet
on the latest of China’s glass bottomed walkways.
Take a look:
Yes, it's a fun gag.
Sensors detect pedestrians
and trigger the special effect,
and mortal terror.
Just another day in China.
What do you think?
Leave your comments below.
Thanks for watching this episode of China Uncensored.
Once again I’m Chris Chappell.
See you next time.
Hello?
Uncle Chang’s Stinky Cheese, Tofu and Durian Emporium?
I’d like to place an order for five pounds of each.
Yes, and I’d like that delivered to one Shelley Zhang.
No it’s not a prank!
Yes, charge upon delivery.