- You obviously don't take this job very seriously.
- I do, sir.
It's just these particular marbles.
I just needed to feel what they felt like in my mouth.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
- You know we do serious business here, right?
- Yes, I do know that.
I'm 100% aware of that. Yep.
- 'Cause I've forgotten where I was!
- You were saying that Justice is a dumb blind old lady.
I heard every word. - Yes.
No!
She's not dumb.
But she is blind.
She's reminiscent of
Kerry Washington. (dramatic music)
You know?
(dramatic music)
(percussive music)
- Okay. Alright.
Good morning, Tom.
Jason.
How ya doing there, Dave?
Crystal.
Tommy.
Good morning, Jake.
How are ya?
- Pretty good, Kenny. - Yeah. Yeah.
You know, it's so early in the morning.
I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but...
You know how I was supposed to work late tonight?
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, I gotta run this errand
for Mr. Mahina,
and he says that you're gonna have to cover for me.
So there it is.
I don't even... I'm sorry.
(Kenny whistles) Drop the ax.
(Kenny laughs)
Okay. So...
- Hmm.
Again?
- Yeah.
Oh, you know what?
Just remembered.
Mr. Mahina also -
almost slipped my mind -
wants us to change parking spaces.
- What?!
- Yeah.
Me, personally,
I enjoy the nine-minute walk,
but he said that we have to do it.
Believe it, I hate it as much as you do.
- What are you gonna do?
- Nothing you can do.
- Mr. Mahina said it.
- Mahina.
This whole situation has been Mahina-nized.
- It just seems a little confusing to me
as to why Mr. Mahina would give a (bleep)
where we park.
- How's that?
- I mean, why would he care where we park?
- I don't know the answer to that question.
I mean, that's... It's just what he said.
He... Hey, the Mahina works in mysterious ways.
- You know what?
I'm gonna ask him myself, 'cause...
- No! That's okay!
I'll do it!
(door opening)
(door closing)
Mr. Mahina, sir, I know you're busy,
but can I speak to you about the parking switch?
- ["Mr. Mahina"] What is there to talk about, Kenny?
I told you and Jake to switch parking spaces.
Don't you know who I am?
I am Mr. Mahina
and I'm a real, real person in here.
Now you get the hell outta my office.
- Wow.
Did you hear that? It was crazy in there.
I mean, that was
whew!
tense.
- Yeah.
You know what's really crazy, though?
I've been working here for about a year
and I've never even seen Mr. Mahina.
- Well, see, now, that's,
that's an easy one to answer.
That's because he comes in
before you come into work
and he's still working when you leave.
That's what makes him Mr. Mahina, you know?
Come on.
We're talking about Mr. Mahina here, right?
(both laugh)
- It makes perfect sense.
You know, I bet - Mm-hmm?
- the hardworking boss
would love to meet a hardworking employee
who, you know, shares the same values.
So I'm gonna go ahead and just introduce myself.
- No! No!
You can't go into Mr. Mahina's room.
Are you crazy?
No one except me is allowed to go in there.
Mr. Mahina is busy.
- Okay. Fine.
You made your point clear, man.
- Thank you very much, Jake. - I'm good.
- I think it's best. - And what?
- What? No, Jake, wait!
Jake!
(dramatic music)
- Come on, man.
- What?!
Question my existence, will you?!
(both gasp)
(both yelling) (dramatic music)
(both panting)
(Mr. Mahina yelling)
- I'll have that end-of-the-year report to you by 10:00.
(dramatic music)
- Marjorie, I'd love a cupcake.
Thank you so much for coming today.
As you know,
every year, the vice-president
hosts the annual company luncheon.
So I brought to you here
to make sure that none of my material
could be in any way misconstrued
as sexist or racist or homophobic.
So if you hear anything
that could be in any way offensive to anyone,
just raise your hand and...
Oh. I haven't really started yet.
Did you find something offensive?
- The fact that you think I need a man's permission
to raise my hand is insane.
I can raise my hand whenever I wanna raise my hand
because I'm a free woman.
- So I should just raise my hand like this,
like a big old Black Power fist?
Yeah? Huh?
Boss man?
Is that what you want from me?
- Is this what you wanted?
A floppy gay hand just floating around in the air?
Well, here you go.
Here's my floppy gay hand
at the end of my limp gay wrist.
Happy?
- No.
Jesus, no.
Wow. What?
- Why not "Mary, no."?
Or "Rachel, no."?
Or "Bathsheba, no."?
Why does it have to be Jesus - a man?
- And are we talking about the Jesus that accepts everyone?
Or the Jesus who doesn't believe
that people should be able to love who they love?
- Oh, maybe I should just break out in some gospel song,
screamin' and hollerin' and hootin'.
Oh, lawdy, lawdy.
- No, this isn't the speech yet.
Can I just do the speech?
- Oh, you want this ***** to shut up?
Is that it?
- What's the matter?
The Black guy's making way too much noise
in your movie theater, massa?
- Forgive me for lisping and lilting through your speech.
- No, I just meant...
- [All] Oh!
- What's with the hands, man?
I ain't gonna shoot ya.
- What, are you gonna grab my breasts now?
- Protect yourself from the gay invasion.
- Guys!
- Oh!
"Guys"!
Should I leave?
- Sorry. Men and women.
- Let's exclude everybody
who identifies themselves as something else
because they're not people!
- I meant people.
- Whose people?
My people?
Do I speak for my people?
- Alright!
- More like "all white."
- More like "no rights."
- More like "women are second-class citizens."
Right?
- Okay. Stop.
Men, women,
people of all ethnicities, genders,
sexual orientation, religion.
Can I please just get to my speech?
- Fine.
- Yeah.
- Mm
hmm.
- Okay. Here goes.
A Chinaman, a Pollack,
and an Arab walk into a bar.
- I love Arab jokes.
- Ching-chong. Bring it on.
- You had me at Pollack.
- Noah Sanders.
I'm here for the job interview.
- Please take a seat.
Mr. Weinstein will see you next.
(muzak playing)
(Noah sighs)
- Job interviews, huh?
Right. Never fun.
Okay, I see.
I get it.
Stay focused.
Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
(people laughing)
Oh.
(laughter continues)
That was a big laugh.
(Noah sighs)
- [Boss] Oh, no! - [Adam] I didn't!
- [Boss] No, you didn't! (Boss and Adam laughing)
- Geez.
Is this a job interview or "The Carol Burnett Show"?
You know what I mean?
(laughter continues)
(overlapping chatter)
- That is too rich.
- Oh, wow. - Thanks so much
for coming in, Adam.
- Of course.
And you better stay away from that Chinese food.
- Oh my god. You got that right.
That's doing a number on my stomach.
(both vocalizing)
- Here's your fortune:
"You're gonna be sick in a half hour."
(both laughing)
(laughing)
- Oh my gosh.
What an absolute delight.
- It's been great.
And can I tell you something real quick?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- I don't even care if I get this job,
'cause I know I've made a friend for life.
- What a terrific attitude.
What a great ******* attitude.
- Yeah. - You son of a gun.
You know what?
Right quick, before you leave,
I wanna give you something.
- No, sir, I can't take any more gifts.
This whole thing has been a gift.
- My brother passed away
21 years ago. (gentle music)
We were estranged,
and he became ill,
and he gave this to me as a peace offering.
And then one day when we were on the ocean,
he fell overboard
on a boat very much like this one
and died.
I saw him struggling all the way
as a riptide just pulled him down.
- That ***** ocean!
- Would you please accept this
as a token of my gratitude
for you bringing joy back into my life?
- Under any other circumstance, I would refuse.
But I will accept this gift today
because I know how much it means to you.
So I will.
- Thank you.
- Ahoy, matey.
(both laughing)
- Ahoy, matey.
(both laughing)
(laughing)
- How is that funny?
(both laughing)
- Bernadette.
Bernadette, are you hearing any of this?
- Oh my god.
- This guy.
How do you keep a straight face all day?
(both laughing)
- She's...
Isn't she sweet?
- Sweeter than syrup.
- Oh my god.
*********, I love your (bleep) energy.
- Well, what can I say, sir?
I am solar-powered.
(boss yelling)
(Boss laughing)
- Really?
You like that one, huh?
- Oh, thanks so much, Adam.
Terrific. (Boss laughing)
Best interview I've ever been a part of
in my entire life.
Okay, who's next?
You? Ready? Let's go.
Chop. Chop. Here we go.
(Boss clapping)
Come on, let's go.
- Okay.
Woo-hoo!
Hoo!
Requesting permission to come onboard, sir.
Hi. Noah Sanders is the name.
Sorry to hear about your brother.
Maybe we can get some Chinese food after this?
- Alright. Alright.
Okay. Take it easy.
Geez. Settle down, Turbo.
(muzak playing)
- Welcome to the team, Mr. Wise.
- Thank you.
- Now, being an Arizona Assistant State's Attorney
is an important job -
one we take very seriously.
In fact, we are willing to do anything to win.
- It's my honor, sir.
And I look forward to serving the State of Arizona.
Are these marbles?
- How's that?
- I was just admiring your container of marbles.
- Why, yes.
My wife got them for me as a gift
for my birthday,
which brings me to a speech
I like to give anyone
on their first day here
at the State's Attorney Office
of Arizona.
You see,
Lady Justice
is a committed woman.
She's a slippery little scallop,
as you can observe.
(dramatic music)
(magical music)
She doesn't cook. Doesn't clean.
But what she does do
is she'll turn a blind eye...
(magical music)
What is going on?
- What?
- What are you doing?
- Oh.
I...
These marbles. They're just...
I gotta tell you,
they're just so beautiful.
I was wondering what it would feel like
in my mouth.
Like, what would the marbles feel like
if they were in my mouth?
(Clayton laughs) That's...
You know.
- What?
- Just, you know,
you know,
like, just what would it feel like
if there were just kind of
a whole ton of marbles
in my face?
- Well, don't do that.
Just...
Just don't do that.
- Yeah.
Yeah, of course.
Of course.
Why?
What am I doing over here?
I mean, that's a thing
that a child would do.
You were saying?
- I was saying that Lady Justice,
she just stands there in my office,
looking at me. (dramatic music)
(marbles clacking)
(dramatic music)
(marbles clacking)
(dramatic music)
- Clayton!
Forget the marbles, boy!
Spit the marbles out, please.
There you go.
(marbles clacking)
Well.
Alright.
Ah.
How many...
Really?
Do you have any... (marble hits floor)
(foot stomps)
I'm gonna wait for the last...
I'm assuming there's...
Yeah.
I know there's another one in there.
- No.
- Alright, well then...
(marbles clacking)
- I am...
I'm...
They're just so beautiful, I can't...
It's just these marbles.
I gotta tell you, I...
- You obviously don't take this job very seriously.
- I do, sir.
It's just these particular marbles.
I just needed to feel
what they felt like in my mouth.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
- You know we do serious business here, right?
- Yes, I do know that.
I'm 100% aware of that. Yep.
- 'Cause I've forgotten where I was!
- You were saying that Justice is a dumb blind old lady.
I heard every word. - Yes.
No!
She's not dumb.
But she is blind.
She's reminiscent of
Kerry Washington.
(dramatic music)
Good god!
(marbles clattering)
(Clayton grunting)
(vocalizing excitedly)
(Clayton choking)
(marbles clattering)
(choral music)
Janice, send in the cleanup crew.
Another one fell for the marble trick.
(chuckling)
(theme music)