For the last like week, I've been trying to find
the original R. Kelly video and ...
I can't find it. I can't find it.
Well, it's pretty ... It's child ...
It is child pornography.
But that's what I don't ... I thought the whole ...
Christine just got your fucking house put on a list.
I thought ... It's so funny when you look at it, too.
It's like person.
You try to put girl or child but you're like, "pees on a person."
You just got ... You're going the long way.
I'm going to be shaking my head wrapped in a blanket
while they're carting Christine off, like,
"I had no idea the person she was."
"Mr. Oakerson, this woman's a monster."
"You have a computer filled with child pornography."
Goes, "Christine, I would have never ...
I have a daughter."
"We're going to have to [crosstalk 00:00:35]."
Yeah. Well ... "I left her alone with her."
"I've left her alone ... I think now of the things
I've done to her that I don't even know."
"I have a daughter to call and apologize to."
Oh, wow. That's creepy, dude.
He was 27 and she was 15?
Yeah, she ...
Yeah. In this interview, they say she ...
She goes, "Oh, we don't talk about my age. It's a secret."
Because I think she was like 13 here.
What the fuck?
She started coming around him when she was 12.
Because she ... Yeah, because she was 12.
She was 15 when they got married.
The song ... Her first song is called "Age
Ain't Nothing But A Number," that I think he wrote.
Yeah, I remember that. Of course he wrote that.
That's like pen ... are you kidding me?
He fucking ... the second they started banging, I got a song.
This is crazy.
It was probably already in his diary.
Like read this.
It's just about her wanting to fuck an older guy.
That's what the song's about.
It's her trying to seduce an older guy
and telling him it's okay to fuck her.
Didn't she die at 15?
No. She died at like-
31 I think. 21 ... she was dating Dave Dash.
Oh, that's right. Okay.
She died in a plane cra ... No.
Wasn't she promoting Queen of the Damned
or whatever when it happened?
Yeah, it was like overseas [crosstalk 00:01:42].
22. In 2001.
Hawaii maybe. She was so hot.
Yeahs he was.
But when she became a woman.
Yeah, when she became [crosstalk 00:01:51]
No, but I'm saying, everything I was watching
yesterday when they were showing her,
she's like a pretty young girl, but she looks kind of 15.
If Chapelle's show was 2003, we've been laughing at piss
and R. Kelly for 16 years [crosstalk 00:02:03].
That's crazy. Is he going to get a plaque at one point?
He should.
Like a welcome to 20 years of laughing at piss and R. Kelly.
Well they say that they were on the tour bus and hit ...
you've been on a tour bus and stuff before.
What are you saying, that I've been pissed on?
No the back door is ...
when you hit bumps, like doors fly around sometimes and shit.
And like the back door flew open,
they said he was just fucking Aaliyah.
Jesus.
Like the background singer girls were all like,
"He was just fucking her," and everyone's like,
"Oh, come on." Then they got married.
And then that got annulled immediately.
Well it got annulled because she put on the marriage
certificate that she was 18.
She was not 18. She was 15. There was no parent.
Fucking 15.
But her uncle, I'm trying to figure out
where her parents were in this whole thing
because her uncle's the one that brought her around R. Kelly
in the first place. They worked together.
I didn't know that at all.
But this dude went for it all.
He had a background singer named Sparkle
who did a song with him,
like they did a duet song at one point when he brought up ...
But they all say he was abusive ...
Oh I know, it's like she looks like a Sparkle by the way.
He got abusive and shitty to everybody,
like really treats them very bad,
controlling as shit, which ...
So he's not only a monster,
but he's an asshole on top of being a monster?
He's an asshole and monster,
and I mean a monster in the sense that he'd also ...
he was like controlling and bullying
and putting all these weird rules and curfews
on his background singer, that Sparkle chick or whatever.
And then pissing on her niece, is the girl from the video.
Now didn't he have-
And his bass player's daughter. This guy had no scruples at all.
Wait, he pissed on his bass player's daughter?
I mean I assume he pissed on ...
I don't think he had one piss girl.
Does he mark is territory?
I think he always pissed on them probably.
He's very wolf with that.
Yeah, he brought up piss pretty quick
I assume to every girl.
Guys, I hate to say this, but we have to dismiss this in court
because he goes by wolf law. It's a pack mentality.
It's whoever has the highest piss.
I'm sorry.
What's the pH level on that?
That piss is fucking acidic as shit.
Check the pH on that shit.
It sounds a little cute when we just keep saying,
even though it's a creepy thing,
it's like he was pissing on them, but also fucking them.
Also fucking the children.
It's true, and here's what sounds
[crosstalk 00:04:08].
She's right though. The piss was just foreplay.
We have to understand that.
I don't know, can you pee and then fuck?
But here's the thing,
I don't think he fucks the girl in the video.
I think it's just the piss [crosstalk 00:04:18]
I can't even piss with a boner.
Yeah ... true. You're just going everywhere.
Yeah just piss and just jizz.
Oh dude. Can you imagine finding that out?
Like dad, I've got to tell you something.
He goes, what's up baby?
Yeah, you know your cash cow?
That had that feature? We had to bite it.
You know Uncle Robo?
The lead singer of Queensryche, I believe the story only because
I met the girl who was a wacker, his daughter.
His daughter was fucking his guitar player.
Sick.
And got pregnant, but make sure I got this right
Christine, got pregnant by-
What a rockin' baby. Am I right?
Yeah, it's a cool kid already.
She got pregnant by him, and then started ...
oh no, I'm sorry. So that's right.
So she started fucking the guitar player.
Is this Silent Lucidity? Yeah.
It's the only Queensryche song I know.
No, you know other ones.
Dude, but walking past the classic rock station
for five years in Tucson, and just hear like,
"It's 96.1 KLPX with Queensryche's Silent Lucidity.
And you're like, hush now ... Emotional Queensryche.
It's a ballad really.
His daughter, lead singer's daughter,
started fucking a guitar player and was really into ...
maybe even married him? And he goes ...
he was touring solo or maybe it's Queensryche,
but he goes, "All right, I'll make him a guitar player."
So he becomes a guitar player, you got a guitar player,
and now you got to hire a guitar tech.
So she starts fucking his guitar tech.
Oh boy. Well he's tuning her up. Did you get that on tape
when I connected perfectly with that joke?
But here's the best part of it. Then he goes ...
she got together ... the girl got pregnant
by the guitar tech or something, whatever it is.
So then the merch guy's in it. No.
Oh god, I thought you were going to say that.
Then the lead singer goes, "All right,
well you're going to be the father of my grandkids,
so you're in the" ... So these guys got to play ...
there's two guitar players on either side of him
are two guys that plugged his daughter.
It's so weird.
Hilarious. Just the thought of playing Silent Lucidity
while you stare across the stage at the guy that took your women,
you're like ...
And look at her dad singing. You go ...
And her dad's looking at them going like,
"I bet you guys have all fucked my daughter
to this song at some point." You freaky weirdos.
It's actually about her.
Ah dude, that's so funny when they're just fucking death
staring each other, and then he sees them and smile.
They go ...
Yeah, they probably didn't have a lot of motivation
to keep going as a band after that.
By the way, by the way this song might be about her.
It might actually be about ... could be.
Dude, that's so funny. What a weird ...
and then she's just in the audience with her lighter up.
She's going, "It's about me and I fucked two-thirds of that,
and one of them, I'm made from his cum."
"There is a petri dish of my puss up on that stage."
Does she know which one is the dad?
The thing that made it and the things that ate it.
She goes, "Yeah that's my proud papa
and flanking him is the dick that I take."
He goes, "Hey pop, this isn't the first time
those guys been either side
of the Queensryche family, know what I'm saying?"
Get it, mom got a piece, too.
"All right guys. Let's play the songs."
Come on. We're professionals here.
We're professionals.
Let's get it together guys. Guys-
"I get it. You all fucked my daughter, ha-ha."
Guys, this carnival means ...
Chuckle, chuckle, okay, okay.
We've done it a million times with this joke.
"All right, we get it, my daughter's fertile.
She likes guitar." Guys ...
"The time on the tour bus when the bathroom fell open
and we were all banging. I remember."
"All right guys, I get it, another one on old Jeff.
Okay, okay."
But this state fair isn't going to rock itself.
There's a quarter-filled amphitheater
waiting for us guys.
Apathetic casino crowd.
I'll tell you something, though.
Liberty, Ohio tonight has the better part of 170 people
waiting to hear Silent Lucidity.
God dammit, we're going to play that and five other songs.
And the two guys that thought it was
Queens of the Stone Age who leave.
"Should we open with new stuff?
I'm just kidding. We know we don't have any."
"Can you guys unplug from my daughter for a second and ..."
Plug into the ol' amp.
So R. Kelly fucked his band-mate's kids?
So this guy was just a fucking straight up monster.
He's compelled to do it, and he's a predator.
But he's definitely a fucking sickness.
But didn't he also have a walk-in closet
of either kiddie porn or porn,
and then most of it was completely disgusting or ...
It's very possible.
They went into his ... I don't know if they went to-
Like Al Capone's vault?
Yeah, it would be weird if it was on Cribs.
"That's my kiddie porn room."
And he goes, "Oh, this shit right here,
man you're going to love, that's a sauna in the bathroom.
Now this closet,
that's where I keep all my kids getting fucked."
"This faucet's solid gold.
You ever see a 8-year-old get pissed on?"
And he goes, "Oh, I got some Thai stuff
that is definitely illegal." He goes, "They don't even
allow it over there and they got no rules."
Dude, he hung out at high schools.
Dude, you get out, and you're like,
"I am fucking stressed about the SATs ...
is that R. Kelly? "
Yeah. I mean a particular
[crosstalk 00:09:37] high school.
"Is that R. Kelly in the parking lot?"
He's just sitting there guzzling a gallon of water.
Yeah, and he goes, "Ha-ha, just Gatorade. Electrolytes."
Dude, all these teenagers that he got pregnant and fucked,
all of them ...
it was always a situation like, he was just at the mall.
And they show him going to the mall being like,
all right, we're at the mall, let's see if we can lay low.
But he's going to the mall to see if 16-year-old girls,
17-year-old girls come up to him.
And then he goes and has ... it's the same move.
He has people come back, it's always girls that think
they're going to be back-up singers
or have a chance at their career,
and they go and they're so ... and you see this ...
what's leading up to, I saw a later episode,
I don't know much of the middle of it,
but a later episode there's a family
still looking for their daughter who's with him.
And her whole thing at first was getting very mad
when her parents followed her to the hotel one time
when she was 14 or 15.
Holy shit.
She came downstairs yelling at them, "Like this is ...
he's going to make me famous, he's going to ...
we've always talked about this.
He's going to help my singing career."
So the parents start going like,
"Maybe this is just business or whatever,"
and he's got her. Fucking crazy.
Dude, what an absolute piece of shit.
Can you imagine him just hanging out at the mall, though?
Like he's just trying to lay low,
but he's pretending to try on hats at Oshkosh.
He's got to keep dodging kiosk people.
He just walks right-
All these kiosk people are like,
"Hey, you need a holder for your phone?"
He goes, "It's cool. I'm walking through the mall."
You just hear him go, "Ugh," outside of Forever 21.
Yeah, he walks by Talbot's and gets nauseous.
"That's old lady shit."
He's hiding inside the shirt racks of Justice.
He goes, "Mmm."
"Hey, what's up? They say low rise is back in."
He goes, "I'm was just looking to purchase an American Girl
for a lucky little lady." He's outside the doll store.
"Who wants a doll?"
"I'm buying toys for everybody, not the boys.
Definitely not the boys.
Definitely not the little girls that I won't fuck.
What's that? Is this on? God dammit."
"Girl you want to go home and play?"
He would just hang out at the mall. What a-
We'll get into it more. Let's take our last break here.
Because I'll tell you what's-
Way to piss on the memento. I'm kidding. You're doing great.
What we looked up what was fun yesterday,
but I'm bummed you missed it
because you would have really enjoyed,
is at one point, a later episode,
when R. Kelly's ex-wife was leaving him,
she describes what she does with ...
on the domestic abuse website.
And there's a bunch of questions they ask you, like 17.
Oh I watched the Insta story.
She goes 17 questions, and she goes,
"and there was only three things he had not done to me."
So we went on it.
Me and Christine go back and forth.
We were both abused.
By each other?
We were both abused by each other, yeah.
You guys both were abused by each other?
Yeah, we're dual-abusive.
[crosstalk 00:12:23]
We're not violent and we never break up a thousand times.
Then why are we stopping this train guys?
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. So it's fine.
So once in a while I hit her with the practice chucks?
Small price. Small price to pay.
On Tuesdays, I feel worthless. It's fine.
When we get her a spear,
she'll fucking be right back in the game.
Yeah, once you have a spear, Christine,
honestly it's a fair fight.
Yeah, we'll be right back with more
Bonfire and nun chucks, and pieces of shit.
"Calling for you. I'm calling ...
tell your mom to hang up. I got a real question to ask.
Seriously, I can hear your mom breathing on the phone.
Miss Leadleson, please get off."
"Is this the cops? This isn't R. Kelly if you are the cops."
"I'm going to go to the mall and get an Orange Julius
and some young puss."
"If you're for real, meet me there.
I'm going to act like I don't know you 'til we get outside."
"Mrs. Fields, do you have a daughter?"
"I prefer the selection at KB Toys.
Only in the mall."
"I'll be in GameStop checking off."
"Slap bracelets for all my new bitches."
"Cruisin' for puss. Yeah, the class accessories.
It's raining pussy at Pierce and Pagoda."
"I'm cumming buckets at Gymboree."
"I'm hiding in a basket of bear parts at Build a Bear."
"I'm putting my dicks in the Build a Bear."
"Do you need another quarter for the airplane, bitch?"
"I love watching women ride
that zebra slide in the middle of the mall."
Oh, hi. Didn't see you come in there. I'm Dan Soder.
I'm Big Jay Oakerson.
We're from the Bonfire on Comedy Central Radio, Sirius XM 95.
Make sure you watch our videos
every Thursday on Comedy Central YouTube.
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