Now maybe you’re a junzi who knows about li and ren and filial piety but for some of
you I’m guessing Confucius is that Chinese guy who was smart or something and somehow
ended up associated with motivational quotes and dumb fortune cookie jokes?
But what I want to know is: what did Confucius actually do?
[intro]
This episode was sponsored by everyone's favorite ad-free documentary streaming service, MagellanTV!
Did you know there's a family today who trace their roots back to Confucius?
What, that's crazy how do you live up to that?
Who's keeping these records anyway?
Well you would know that if you'd watched Confucius: Creator of the Golden Rule on MagellanTV
now wouldn't you!
A shame it costs a whopping $4.99 a month - oh wait it's free at try.MagellanTV.com/jackrackam
for a whole month!
I highly recommend, it’s a cool blend of ancient and modern, and you get to see Confucius'
life in glorious HD, and if that’s not you there’s always the Carnegie Roosevelt crossover
or two thousand other docs.
Once again that’s try.magellanTV.com/jackrackam.
And on with the show!
So first off, while I respect anyone who can pull off just a first name, Confucius is actually
a bastardization of Kong Quizi.
Now before he was famous, his father, Kong He, was freaking out because he’s got no
one to inherit his stuff, just nine daughters and one son who was illegitimate and ugly
and no one suspected he would change the world.
But he didn’t count so Kong He finds his buddy or something and goes “Gonna need
a new wife, any volunteers?”
God d- I think our loving father should decide whether or not his most devoted daughter should
be sent like cattle to -
SO HELP ME - And then a 17-year-old girl was sent away
to bear a 60-year-old man’s son and woomtinkletinkleonomonopeia don’t think about that, this magical Qilin
shows up because hahahaha that other son did nothing, Confucius was born special, that’s
the moral of this story!
And everything that happened to this minor politician 2500 years ago is a hundred percent
fact.
Just like how baby Confucius never played with toys because he wanted to pay homage
to his father in perfect ritual instead.
He's dead, by the way, so Confucius was raised by a single mom and despite literally existing
for the purpose of inheriting all his dad's stuff they were living in poverty.
But technically he was still above all the commoners so he got trained in the six arts
that every competent ruler must know: Mathematics, rituals, calligraphy, music, archery, and
charioteering.
Incidentally there's a handful of schools in China where they still teach this!
By the time Confucius is nineteen he applies for a job in the government and they ask him
“Can you charioteer?” and he says “Can I” and they say “Congratulations, you're
in charge of... law enforcement!”
For some context, China had been ruled by the Zhou dynasty for five hundred years but
now the king didn't have any power because all the dukes were fighting but the dukes
didn't really have any power because all the city governors were fighting and Confucius'
whole deal was that if everybody just chilled the f*ck out and did their job like they used
to then maybe we could get this show on the road again.
Of course he couldn't say that to the duke that hired him, so he did the next best thing
and tried to get rid of all the city walls so that the governors couldn't lead a rebellion
every time the duke took a nap.
Confucius didn’t actually have any military power, but he knew if the governors wouldn’t
take down their own walls, they would take down each other’s.
But then one of them picked a fight with the duke and won, and put a target on Confucius
while the duke was distracted with a bunch of girls and horses so Confucius figured it
was a good time to dip.
After he found a way to do it without embarrassing anyone.
First off, or maybe even before exiling himself, he goes to the Zhou capital to learn all the
rituals, because the rituals were made when the kingdom was peaceful therefore the kingdom
was peaceful because families were eating in the correct order.
According to legend he even meets Laozi in the ultimate philosopher crossover episode!
And then he just kinda wanders around for 13 years with his disciples asking local governments
if he can tell them everything they're doing wrong.
There’s a footnote on Patreon with more info, but long story short he meets King Cuckold,
nearly gets assassinated by his arch nemesis, nearly starves to death, and nearly gets torn
apart by an angry mob for looking like his arch nemesis.
All in all, going on tour wasn't a big hit, so he goes back home and spends most of his
time hanging out with dudes in their 20s tellin em how to be a good person.
The basic idea was that you've got a lot in life – you're either a lord or a commoner,
parent or child, husband or wife, what have you, and pretty much you've got a social contract
with everyone else and you're not allowed to break it no matter how badly they treat
you but like that won't be a problem because no one would abuse their power because then
they wouldn't be a good Confucian.
That and you're supposed to educate yourself and treat others how you want to be treated
because, y'know, golden rule.
And then he wrote some books or some people wrote some books and plagiarized him in reverse
and those books are holy crap a big deal.
Like not just Bible or Quran levels of cultural relevance but the Imperial Exam system made
everyone in Chinese government for 2000 years study these things.
And then oh look it's the Qilin again guess it’s time to die!
[end card]