I had a lady ask me, "Suzie, is it me or is it the product?"
And I said, "Melissa, you've got 'PROSECCO O'CLOCK' written on your kitchen wall -
It's you.
Hi I'm Suzie, I’ve got my new assistant Brendon here
His nails are disgusting
Looks like he just crawled straight out of Alcatraz
So we're gonna scrape off all the dead crap
and get to some beautiful acrylics, eh?
Now in the 80s, we would put the white down first
which - it might've been something to do with all the quaaludes
So! Hi-diddly-hi neighbour!
What do we wanna do today?
Maybe duck nails?
No that's ugly, you'll look UGLY
And I'm only going very slowly here
We want a nice thin layer
We don't want any thickness
Unless it's in the trouser area
Now Brendon looks like a nail biter
No, never
Are you sure? I can see some evidence of nail biting here
No, I don't bite my nails
mmmmOOOKKKKAYYYYY
Honestly, I don't
Do you bite your nails... a little bit?
Suzie, I don't bite my nails
You don't just have a little taste?
num num num num num
So you're gonna want your efile to be on about 3 or 4
Not more than that, or it's gonna be too powerful
So I've just been watching SimplyNailogical
oh, things are getting real meta over here, eh cameraman?
You know, I was at Shania Twain's house
and she told me she woulda voted for Trump so I hit her
Cameraman: Oh yeah that's a nice shade of red...
Have you ever thought about using clear crystals?
Have you ever thought about shutting up?
So monomer... and your bead...
Look... oh look! It's Alanis Morissette!
Oh no... she must've gone into- She went into a Cinnabon
Isn't that pretty?
I'm just gonna get me mask
If I'm filing with customers
and there's dust flying everywhere we wanna make sure...
we don't want any of that that's not gonna be good
Mask - put that on.
...and let's get started.
*CAT NOISES*
*laughs* Oh god!
You wanna know a secret?
I don't have any cats.
So I'm pretty happy with that.
Let's do a top coat.
What the hell was that?
You know cameraman, if the table weren't here
They'd all see that my shoes are made of acrylic
and my legs are made of fibreglass
So what we're actually gonna do here is go around the cuticle
Get rid of all the little crusties
or the crispy flakes.... dingleberries....
the little superfluous skin flaps
because the chrome will cling to that, and will magnify it
and you'll look like a crazy asshole
So I'm gonna put me nail form on
*In a British accent* Give it a bit of a wiggle!
Sometimes I do go British
well, I had a small stroke in '97
When cameraman and I first bought this house
we were told
that it was built right there on the quicksand
but there's... no problems so far
Now because I am an educator
and because we're all about the education
we wanna make sure we really know what we're doing here
and that we're doing it properly
*RIPS*
OW
*laugh*
So you've finished your nail...
and now I'm gonna show you how to apply a flawless coat
You just...
Put your arm in the sleeve
Yes! We were all doing it in the 80s
Oh, I would go into the bathroom with Madonna
Oh the things she would do in there
So sometimes, if you go to a nail salon
And you get gel nails done, Hybrid gel, any gel product
There can be a heat spike or what's called an exothermic reaction
and it hurts!
It probably hurts more than this
So with the top coat from my brand new line...
You're gonna wanna cure it for 45 seconds...
Take it out
another 30
take it out
another 30
take it out
another 30
take it out
So now, we're just gonna get rid of all the dusties
Just gonna dust those off, just tickle those off
Take it out
Another 10.7
take it out
Okay so 2 minutes, you always wanna follow the directions exactly
Oh that tickles!
Does that tickle?
Do you like it?
So there's a lamp that we technicians use
and there's a big display on it with a readout
There's a 30 second, 60 and 90
then there's this weird red button which...
I've never been able to figure out what this does cameraman
I keep pressing it...
nothing happens
Okay...
So pretty!
We're gonna clean up...
and look at the final photos.