Panda news now, the most adorable news of them all
and pandas have had their
status changed from endangered to vulnerable and not surprisingly it's all
thanks to porn
Pandas are cute and cuddly but they no longer hold the key to their
own survival. They're just not interested in sex. They just don't know what to do
So to teach them, they're showing some panda porn.
We set off the TV just
outside the bars and they watch. Pandas understand what it is, so often they
go closer and sit with their eyes wide open
one person even more excited than
the pandas was Karl Stefanovic
I'm really onto pandas at the moment. Love them.
We know that.
someone else who's excited
Kitty Flanagan
hang on hang on hang on problem solver?
there's no problem, Kitty. They've solved it. Pandas are no longer endangered.
Disagree. Porn is never a solution, Chuck. Pandas might be having
more sex now but porn is not going to increase the numbers
no porn I've ever
seen has the sperm going anywhere near where it needs to be in order to make a baby
not to mention the kind of pressure this is going to put on young panda females
you're worried that young panda females will get unrealistic ideas about sex?
you can mock all you like but yes I am worried I don't want lady pandas
thinking they have to shave their fur to be attractive
I think all this human
intervention is going to create bigger problems down the track
look at these researchers. They dress up in panda suits to fool the baby pandas
how dumb do they think they are? Surely the Panda can smell the human inside the suit
Apparently they smear the outfits in panda dung and
urine to help fool the babies
Look at this picture. Now, sure you
might be fooling the baby panda but in years to come that cub is going to need
counseling to get over a traumatic childhood
"I remember this one creepy
Uncle. well he smelled like a human covered in dung and he used to come in
and put me in a storage box and then my mother and my sister both got into porn..."
It's working. Panda numbers are on the rise. 2,000 at last count
I want to see these 2,000 for myself and make sure they're
not just counting scientists in panda suits
Ooh we're up to 2005 now!
I think we're all overlooking the real problem
which is?
pandas have lost the
will to live. How else do you explain why they've been trying to extinct
themselves for millennia?
yeah I'm pretty sure extinct is not a verb
but please do go on
okay pandas are carnivores they're designed
to eat meat, yet all they eat is bamboo which has no nutrients. In order to survive on
bamboo they have to eat it all day all day. They never stop. That's why they're
exhausted that's why they all have those dark circles under their eyes
if pandas ate meat that would look like this
They'd have so much energy!
I think pandas like being endangered because in a weird way being endangered
is a form of self-preservation
how so?
They live in China, they see what
goes on. They probably realize that being on the endangered list was the only
thing stopping them from ending up on the 'let's grind up its penis and take it
as an aphrodisiac' list
Before you head off
which should be soon, do you have a solution for how to get pandas eating better?
It's like the old expression: give a panda a fish he'll eat
for a day but give a panda a fishing rod and he'll probably eat that too because
it looks like bamboo.
That is your problem
whose problem?
Pandas! They're addicted to
bamboo that's what we need to solve. This insane bamboo addiction at the moment
you can't walk down the street in China without a panda coming up to you
saying "Hey mate, have you got two bucks for the train?"
We need to get these kids off the boo.
We've got to get them off the bam-bam, bammer, the chaff stick, the chow-chow
How are you going to do it, Kitty? How are you going to break that addiction?
I'm fundraising for Panda detox centres. I've also asked that
sugar woman to do an I quit bamboo book
I'm trialing bamboo patches 'bamboo-abate' for those pandas really struggling
with cravings and then once the pandas are clean
we bring in Jamie Oliver to
get them excited about real food again
Forget porn, it all starts with good food.
Maybe just maybe if the man panda cooked the lady panda a really nice meal
every once in a while she would want to have sex with him.
Kitty
are we still talking about pandas
I don't think we are