- The first few weeks after giving birth,
it's this feeling of being underwater.
Every single thing, it's a fear that this baby is sick,
is gonna die.
Hi, I'm Sarah.
I'm a video producer
and I make a lot of content for YouTube.
And I had postpartum depression and anxiety.
I think for a lot of moms it's a very drastic mood change
when you have your baby.
There's a lot of hormones going on and the placenta pops out
and that thing's got a crap ton of hormones in it.
You just go from being high, adrenaline, everything,
to like really low down.
I think almost every mom feels that change
after they have their baby.
Postpartum depression and anxiety is hard to pin down.
It could be addressed with medication.
It could be addressed with therapy,
but the important thing is that you get help.
I had signs of depression and anxiety before I had my baby.
I had been medicated in my twenties for both depression
and anxiety at different points.
I actually went to a doctor just for like a sick visit
like I had bronchitis or something.
My doctor asked me a bunch of questions
and could tell that I was extremely depressed.
She actually started with prescribing me medicine.
Then I started to see psychiatrist
and a therapist to continue care.
That was huge for me.
I was surprised when I found out I was pregnant.
I was very nervous when I was pregnant
because I started out living with my parents
and it was, and still is the pandemic.
But I was definitely very excited
and actually hormonally, pregnancy was pretty good for me.
There's a lot of things about being pregnant
that aren't so great, but I felt more balanced
and I felt less anxious than I ever had in my life.
I had no idea how hormones would affect my body.
And I think that should have maybe been the first sign
that like, you know, things can really vacillate wildly.
Like it could have been a warning sign to me, really.
The birth happened.
I had the baby.
That's the nicest way I can put the birth.
I did not have a pleasant birth.
The baby was late.
I was induced.
His heart rate dropped.
It was very scary.
I ended up getting a C-section and honestly,
it was a really horrible experience.
It's still a trauma that I feel like I'm working out.
I think it really affected my postpartum.
It set me off kind of feeling this loss of control.
Holding the baby, it felt surreal.
I know that there are some moms
that feel like an instant connection.
Other moms might feel a little like,
what is this weird thing?
I think I landed somewhere in the middle.
I had a lot of trouble showing excitement
or happiness early on.
My husband at one point asked me, do you even like the baby?
And I didn't know what to say
because I thought I liked the baby.
I think with moms, there's a lot of shame
around how you might feel initially when you see your baby
and that can, I think, affect things later on as well.
Before I was having the baby, I was like Instagram story.
And I was putting everything up.
I was sharing every moment.
And then like once, you know,
everything went downhill and the baby came out
and I just felt awful.
Like I just completely shut down.
If people wanted to know the baby existed,
they would have had to reach out to my husband
because I wasn't responding.
The first few weeks after giving birth,
it's this feeling of being underwater, being overwhelmed.
Like there's so much that you have to quickly learn
and do and you have to keep this thing alive.
But then also I'm looking at my body, I don't recognize it.
I feel awful.
I'm exhausted.
I'm depressed.
It's overwhelming.
I was pretty constantly crying.
After I had the baby, you're all suddenly not sleeping,
but your body still has a lot of adrenaline
because you're afraid this thing's gonna die.
You're like in a constant state of alert,
but also a constant state of wanting to sleep.
I have my family come over the next day
after I came home with a baby, I couldn't handle it.
I didn't want anybody to hold the baby really.
Like, I didn't really trust anybody.
I feel bad saying this, but I had a lot of anxiety
even around my husband holding the baby.
I know he wasn't gonna like hurt the baby.
He's a very good dad,
but I still was afraid of that happening.
Looking back, like I know it's not quite rational,
but my brain wasn't even like making it all the way
to a rational thought.
Every single little thing was just blown big
out of proportion for me.
Is the baby hot?
Is the baby cold?
You know, if they're cold, I can put a blanket on,
but then there's this saying,
"Cold babies cry, hot babies die."
I'll better err on the side of cold,
maybe my baby needs to be in the hospital right now.
Maybe I need to go to the doctor.
I'm not getting enough sleep.
I'm so tired, but I'm laying in bed, doom scrolling.
I'm looking at all this crap on the internet, WebMD,
about like the tiniest thing that could be wrong
with my baby instead of sleeping,
which I desperately need to do.
I think anybody who has a baby during the pandemic
knows it's a unique experience.
The pandemic gave a lot of easy rationale
for somebody who's more likely to have anxiety
or depression.
So in some ways, it made a lot of that tougher.
It made it harder to come out of the depression and anxiety.
There are some real anxieties around the pandemic,
but it was beyond that for me.
It was hard for me to put the baby in the car.
I think I drove once alone with the baby in the car.
And then I was...
I couldn't do it.
I also didn't try to talk to friends for a while.
Like my husband actually had to like arrange a friend
to come over at one point.
I just couldn't handle the thought of it.
I didn't wanna deal with any of it.
Newborns cry a lot and you don't always know why.
I couldn't handle my kid crying.
And I still am a little like that.
And to not be able to handle something
that happens constantly, like everyday,
it's not a sustainable situation.
Having a newborn is like having a dull, slow pain
because you don't have to do much.
It's very boring, but also you have to watch them
and constantly be vigilant in case they die.
Maternity leave.
I know I needed the recovery and I needed things to be slow,
but it also is tough mentally
when things slow down that much.
When my maternity leave ended and I went back to work,
I really started to go into a deep depression.
I felt very listless and loss.
Working in a creative field
where you're gotta come up with ideas, I felt so blank.
And I think the depression
and kind of like a numbness overtook me.
I was really having trouble accomplishing anything at all.
And several times my husband would be like,
are you gonna get fired?
Like, do you want to get fired?
Because it doesn't feel like you're doing enough work.
He was right.
It was horrible having no motivation.
I couldn't do it.
It's also was hard 'cause it's like,
there's a baby over there.
It didn't help with my focus, let's say.
I felt really bad about myself.
Not only do you have all this extra weight,
but like you look different, there's extra skin.
You've got stretch marks.
All that stuff really drops your self esteem,
that did not help with the depression either.
Then I just thought maybe this was normal.
And I remember I reached out to kind of HR,
I reached out to like a career counselor
to kind of get advice and try to kick myself into gear,
but it wasn't really helping.
And then I found out that I had postpartum thyroiditis.
Around this time, I had a standard follow-up appointment
with my endocrinologist and that's when,
with the blood draw, it showed up
that my thyroid hormone was super out of whack.
Stuff started to make sense.
Finally, I was getting some answers
and I was gonna be able to address the root issue
of my depression and anxiety.
At that point, I, you know, saw a doctor,
I had medication adjusted and everything.
Even then, it wasn't perfect.
I still needed more adjustments after that,
but it is amazing how much better I feel
after I addressed that root cause for me.
I only recently started feeling like myself again.
Starting to care more about my job,
feeling busy, feeling comfortable being separated
from the baby and not being so worried all the time.
That's been really freeing for me
and also feeling more comfortable in my body.
My body is very different than it was before I got pregnant,
but that body didn't make a baby.
So I think this body's more impressive.
Feeling more like myself, able to exercise more, walk more.
I started doing my book club again,
which is great because I'm interacting with friends
and also reading content
that isn't all sad baby doom scrolling.
That feels much better.
I've started talking to moms that are in similar situations.
It feels good to talk to adults,
but also adults who know what you're going through.
I want new parents to know having a baby isn't all rainbows
and sparkles when you start.
It's really tough.
And it's not just tough because you're dealing
with a little sleep and trying to keep a baby alive.
It's tough because of what's happening in your body,
that all the hormones are out and you are so changed.
Yeah, you pay attention to the baby,
but pay attention to yourself too
and get help for yourself if you need it.
Whether that's medication, therapy,
or just talking to someone.
That's probably the best thing I did for myself
and for my baby, was to take care of myself.
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