- Merry Christmas.
(people chatter)
- Take the picture.
- Where are we looking?
(camera clicks)
(audience laughs) (jingle bells jingle)
- Now do a silly one.
(intense electronic music)
It took me all season
to set this thing up by myself.
Hope it works.
Merry Christmas, everyone
("Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" by Pyotr Tchaikovsky)
(electricity zaps)
(baby cries)
(egg nog pours)
(baby cries)
♪ The halls with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Fa-la-la ♪
(man vomits)
(carolers groan)
(bell dings)
(carolers gasp)
(bells chime)
(women moan)
(audience laughs)
(ornaments shatter)
(wood chipper whirs)
(buzzer buzzes)
(gunpowder whirs)
(cannon fires) (chicken clucks)
(bell dings)
(audience laughs)
(men burp)
(audience groans)
(bell dings)
- Yeah.
(coal clatters)
(air blows)
(balloon pops)
- I told you I don't like nuts in my cookies, Grandma.
You ruined Christmas.
I hope you die in your sleep.
(audience laughs)
That night, she died in her sleep.
(audience laughs)
It was a Christmas miracle.
(audience laughs) (intense electronic music)
I'll be honest, if you plan on sending me a Christmas card,
you can address it to my garbage can,
because I'm not even gonna look at it.
(audience laughs)
If you really knew what was going on in my living room,
the last thing you'd want
is a picture of your family watching me.
(audience laughs)
I did receive one very funny Christmas card this year,
from one of our writers, Eddy,
and I hesitate to even show it
because we have a special relationship,
and he and I understand each others' unique sense of humor.
(audience laughs)
All right, who am I kidding?
I don't care if you see it.
(audience groans)
(Daniel laughs)
Kinda sick person
(audience laughs)
rents a kid's casket for a photo shoot?
First of all, how do you even rent a casket?
That seems like a business
that would be pretty much purchase only.
(audience laughs)
Like, does he own it now?
(audience laughs)
I guess that kid was on the extra naughty list.
(audience laughs) (intense electronic music)
No one cares about the holidays more than me.
I end my season in mid-November,
so I can spend the rest of the year
curled up on the couch, watching Christmas movies
on the Hallmark Channel,
not the Hallmark Movies and Mysteries Channel.
There's a difference.
- Hallmark has two different channels,
so what's the difference?
When you think Hallmark Channel,
think festive romantic comedies,
and when you want dramatic stories
and timeless holiday favorites,
turn to Hallmark Movies and Mysteries.
- Now, mock them all you want,
but these movies get the highest ratings
on all of television.
I'd like to help them launch even more niche channels.
Now, Hallmark has even more channels
to help you celebrate Christmas.
- Tired of movies about 40-something advertising executives
looking for love during the holidays?
Try Hallmark Barely Legal.
- And, if you want Christmas cheer
mixed with full penetration,
then Hallmark Hardcore is the channel for you.
- You'll feel much better about your own life
after seeing how homeless people handle the holidays
on Hallmark Hobo.
If you're one of those soulless pagans
who likes Halloween better than Christmas,
check out Hallmark Horror.
(people scream) - Ooh.
There's always Hallmark Jew.
Nothing magical, just a nice,
quiet Chinese dinner with friends.
- Jewish friends.
If you wanna watch daddy kissing Santa Claus,
satisfy your curiosity with Hallmark Gay.
- And for those of you
who like a little more tinsel on their tree,
if you know what I mean,
head over to Hallmark Really Gay.
- Okay, this one's extremely specific.
It's the Hallmark Pets Who Were Killed By Coyotes Channel.
Hard to believe
they made 40 original Christmas movies about that.
- Finally, make sure you keep those Kleenex handy
for Hallmark Stillbirth.
- Jesus Christ.
- Hallmark Stillbirth?
You're gonna wanna get him or her on Santa's lap quick.
(audience laughs) (intense electronic music)
Back to the hottest toy this Christmas,
the whiffle dildo.
(audience laughs)
Think I just found my new headboard.
(audience laughs)
It's like they're all waving hello.
(audience laughs)
Three of them have stagefright.
Hey, little guys.
(audience laughs)
I'd say this is the trophy room in the Kardashian house,
but it's too white to be believable.
(audience laughs)
This is art.
But somehow, my wall of queefing 'ginas is vulgar.
Bunch of sexist hypocrites destroying this country, I'd say.
("Jingle Bells")
(audience laughs)
Jingle Smells.
(audience laughs)
Get it?
(Daniel laughs)
They've been in perfect harmony
ever since their cycles synced up.
(audience laughs) (intense electronic music)
Now, it's time for our annual Christmas pageant contest.
First up, it's Keenan Ivory Wayans Elementary.
♪ On the seventh day of Christmas ♪
♪ My true love gave to me ♪
(audience laughs)
♪ Seven swans a-swimming ♪
♪ Six geese a-laying ♪
♪ Five golden rings ♪
I know how seven feels.
(audience laughs)
Hey, why did his true love give him
so many birds for Christmas anyhow?
(audience chuckles)
Think about it.
(audience laughs)
Is this a pageant, or a dunk contest?
(audience laughs)
All right, that's a solid effort.
Let's check in with William McKinley High.
(children shout)
I pray that's a school for the deaf.
(audience laughs)
Okay, last year's champ
would literally have to vomit on stage
to lose the title.
(soft Christmas music)
(children sing)
(audience groans)
Too much pre-show nog.
(audience laughs)
A real pro does that before every performance.
(audience chuckles)
Learned that one from Demi Lovato.
(audience laughs)
All right, let's call this contest a draw,
and just eliminate all funding for the arts.
(audience laughs) (intense electronic music)
I know you kids are excited to meet Mrs. Claus,
but remember, keep your hands to yourself.
(intense hiphop music)
(audience laughs)
And another generation learns to objectify women.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, this is okay,
but if I wanna watch a nine-year-old strip,
I gotta take a 22-hour flight?
(audience laughs)
None of your business.
Hope she doesn't mind being tipped in stickers.
(audience laughs)
These kids should definitely stick around
for the reindeer show.
Head on over to the Capri Sun room
for some very inappropriate horsey rides.
(audience laughs)
I always hate take your kids to work day
at the strip club.
Here you boys go.
I got one milk for you.
Thank you.
Milk.
Go ahead, pass that down.
I had another milk,
and you had a milk.
Uh, there was another milk, thank you.
Uh, milk,
and another milk.
Here's a milk,
and another milk,
and then I had a double whiskey neat.
Shoot, was that supposed to be a milk?
I'll be right back.
This one's on the house.
Don't get fresh. (audience laughs)
(intense electronic music)
(people chatter)
(car horn honks)
- [Man] This poor Toyota is like, yo.
- [Man] This is awesome.
- Yeah, they're about (car horn honks)
to beat the shit out this guy.
(car horn honks)
- [Woman] Who does this?
Would you ever trust me behind...
- [Man] No, I wouldn't, I never would.
- [Man] All right, it's over.
- Now, the Salvation Army
does not have the best combat training.
(audience laughs)
All because Mrs. Claus has been ho-ho-hoing.
(audience laughs)
My money's on Blanta.
(audience laughs)
Black Santa?
(audience laughs)
You gotta respect him for just rocking a track suit.
(audience laughs)
You don't have this type
of physical aggression with Hanukkah.
They just threaten to sue each other.
(intense electronic music)
(lively Christmas music)
(audience laughs)
I love Christmas,
and nothing magnifies the flaws
of my personal life like watching Hallmark Christmas movies.
I got into show business
for one reason and one reason only,
to cake on makeup and star
in my own poorly produced made-for-TV Christmas movie.
I applaud the female executives over at Hallmark
for taking a chance and letting me show my sensitive side.
(lively orchestral music)
- [Narrator] He's a humble,
mildly autistic Christmas tree farmer.
- You trees sure are gonna make a whole lot
of families happy this Christmas.
- [Narrator] She's the hotshot CEO
of a women's protein bar company
from the big city.
- Fuck you, I don't fucking care if it's Christmas,
you give me that fucking shipment of yeast
by fucking Friday, or you're fucking fired.
Fuck.
- [Narrator] They were polar opposites.
- Fuck!
- [Narrator] Until fate made them collide.
- Aw, all my trees.
Christmas is ruined.
(Daniel groans)
- To pay for the trees you knocked down,
I hereby sentence you
to three days of helping out on Daniel's farm.
- Fuck me, can't I just pay him for the damages?
- Language.
Around here, we give out charming,
folksy punishments, young lady.
(gavel bangs)
- Your honor, can I have a candy cane?
- Sure.
- [Narrator] Things started out frosty.
- (groans) Fuck, I hate this almost as much
as I hate Christmas.
- You hate Christmas?
You're not a Jew, are you?
- Fuck no, nothing like that.
It's just, I don't wanna talk about it.
(Noelle sobs)
- [Narrator] But fa-la-la-la-love is in the air.
- Last year, on Christmas Eve,
my family got snowed in,
and I was forced to eat my husband
and two children to survive.
- We have so much in common.
My son got into a sledding accident yesterday,
and caught an extremely rare form of rickets.
He's dead now.
I didn't eat him though,
on account of the rickets.
That's why I love you, Noelle.
- I love you too,
and I've decided not to bulldoze the town.
- I didn't realize that was on the table.
- In fact, I'm gonna move here
to start a new family with you
and open a coffee/flower shop/bookstore.
I'm pregnant too, by the way.
(Noelle laughs)
- It's a Christmas miracle.
- Also, I've actually been an angel this whole time.
(shimmery music)
- Does that mean I have to raise the baby by myself?
Fuck me.
- [Narrator] "The Jolliest Holly,"
coming this Sunday to the Hallmark Channel.
Don't Christ-miss it.
(Daniel whimpers)
(audience laughs)
- Half the fun is going back
and catching the hints that she was an angel all along.
(audience laughs) (intense electronic music)