*Soft Piano Music*
Michael: They put the fuckin' Facebook thing, like, right on the main menu.
And then it's not even the same name as the game.
Like, is it called "Shark Attack" or "Shark Attack Game"?
Then, when you download it, it's called "Shark Attack Deathmatch".
So what the hell's the name of the fucking game?
Who the fuck is gonna use "Screensaver"?
Why do all the indie games have screensavers?
Let's fuckin' slap this on.
So, in case you want to fuckin' turn your Xbox on and put a screensaver on and then walk away...
Wanna know what time it is? Check the fuckin' screensaver.
Good thing it's 14:21.
I'm like fuckin' James Cameron. This is like when he filmed "Titanic".
I'm looking for treasure.
What's that? Is it in the boat?
Check the boat!
Check the bottom! She threw the thing in the water!
And if you want to make it really cinematic,
Just turn the fuckin' "Date and Time" off,
You don't even know. It's like you're there!
Alright, well, right away, it's good that we have fuckin' zombie sharks off the bat.
Do you need zombie sharks?
What the hell is the difference between a shark and a zombie shark?
It fucking eats you anyway!
Who gives a shit?
Do you turn into an infected zombie shark-man?
THEY GOT A FUCKIN' HASHTAG FOR THIS?!
This is an adventure, just hop on the fuckin' water and just kill sharks.
What the hell is this?
You move slow as shit!
Oh, I have a knife, I'll fuckin' stab the shit out of you.
Come here! I don't know if there-Oh what's that? What happened?
Oh there-Is that a shark?
The music's kicking on, so I think that's a shark.
It's like dunun.
ALRIGHT, WHAT THE FUCK!? HOLY SHIT! ARE YOU SERIOUS!? JESUS!
ALRIGHT, WELL-I FUCKIN', I GOT MURDERED BY A SHARK!
Do I just respawn in the same spot?
How do I find more ob-What is this tank?
Do I have a grenade? Throw it...WHAT THE FUCK? JESUS!
OH, oh he's pissed.
Oh shit. OH SHIT! COME ON! FUCK ME!
THIS-I AM JUST GETTING-OH, FUCK YOU SHARK!
I FUCKIN SHARKED THE SHIT OUTTA HIM!
And then he just disappeared, naturally as sharks do,
when killed in the wild. They return to the sea,
from whence they came
God damn, I wish you could swim faster.
Oh shit! OK, that's how you swim faster
Now I'm fuckin' haulin' ass! Look at this!
Dude, that's THE EEL! THAT'S THE EEL FROM THE SCREENSAVER!
Oh shit there's a shark nearby
the music changed, where is- AH FUCK!
OH SHIT!
GOD DAMN IT
Minute twenty seconds, it's fuckin a new personal record.
High best.
High record best.
Are there any upgrade- What the hell is this?
Alright, well how the fuck do I use those?
Oh
What the fuck?
Oh shit!
Well, I just flash banged myself.
I'm gonna swim in here, is there treasure in here?
Where's the fucking treasure?
WHERE IS IT?
It's below deck isn't it?
Arrg mateys, where's your shit?
I be plunderin' your loot.
Where are you little prick?
(sharp breath)
EUGH EHW, OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
OH MY GOD.
Oh you fucking idiot, he swam by me.
I can't fucking zoom with this thing,
so, I guess I am just firing wildly-
Looks like I'm shooting bubbles at him!
I don't see shit!
They didn't even draw an animation for the fucking- like dart.
Oh fuck! Oh get to the boat!
GET TO THE BOAT!
GET TO THE BOOOAAT!
UHA, OH MY GOD!
OH GOD!
AHHH HE'S CORNERING ME!
AHHHHHHH!
JESUS WHERE'D HE GO!?
OH!
I THINK I KILLED HIM!
HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK!
OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO RUN OUT OF OXYGEN.
*heavy dramatic breathing*
Looks like I'm just sprinting, like they made a sprinting animation.
Doesn't look like I am swimming underwater, just running-
OH MY GOD!
OH GOD!
I HAVE- OH I'M GONNA DROWN!
I'M DROWNING.
GRAB THE HEALTH- ARGH!
(excessive and repeated drowning noises)
FUCK!
Just, gonna-
nothing, don't mind me,
ok, nothing going on over here,
I'm gonna fucking knife this prick,
ready?
C'mere you son of a bitch- HNGGG!
YURG! OH MY GOD YOU GOT YOUR ASS FUCKIN' STABBED!
Look at that, I hit him in the head and his guts were fuckin' cut open
That's not even accurate.
Oh shit there is oxygen! Ok.
Well, that would have helped the last time I fuckin' drowned.
And I'm going to fuckin' run out of oxygen again.
Oh, get it!
Nope, that's a fuckin' flash bang.
I cannot fuckin' use that to breathe.
Can I just swim to the surface?
Why would I stay under here and drown?
GET TO THE TOP!
GET TO THE TOP- IT WONT LET ME GO UP!
I'M TRAPPED UNDER ICE!
GOD DAMN IT!
There's a fuckin' plane down here? Oh my god.
God damn it.
You fuckin' asshole.
shhhIIIT!
Get in the plane, GET IN THE PLANE, GET IN THE PLANE!
GET IN THE PLANE!
God damn! Oh it's like I'm doing Mile High Club all over again.
(Heavy Breathing)
Flashbang!
(More heavy breathing)
See if there's a fucking shark sitting in one of the seats.
He's posing as a fucking passenger.
THERE'S A SHARK ON THE WING OF THE PLANE I SWEAR
ITS ON THE WING OF THE PLANE!!!!
That was a fucking stingray, can I kill that thing?
Fuck you stingray. Fuck you stingray
Nope. The stingray is impervious to damage.
HOLY CRAP!
WOAH!
HOLY SHIT
OH MY GOD
EUUUGHHH! OH FUCK!
So with a personal best of three in survival, I can't wait to tackle the zombie sharks.
There's the invincible stingray again, doesn't-
doesn't appear to be a zombie stingray.
Seems to be just a standard stingray.
So apparently the zombie effect does not carry over to the stingray.
Well that's a zombie shark, I guess, cuz he's got no fucking guts.
Hit the fucking thing! There you go!
Alright, hit em- hit em some more
Hit. Him. Some. More.
God damn it! Alright there we go. Now-
I don't know what the difference between zombie sharks- AHHHH!
FUCK ME!
DAMN IT!
What is this, anyway? What is this under the water?
Is it like Atlantis? What are all these fuckin' things?
Who built this shit?
They're out for blood. They're out for blood.
I am fuckin' surrounded by zombie sharks-
EUGH! EUGH!
OH GOD THROW THE FLASH BANG!
THROW IT!
AHH!
Ok, I confused them, I confused them I think-
I'm gonna stab this one. Come're you fuckin piece of shit-
OHP!
NOPE NOPE NOPE!
Where the-WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY?!
Get out of there man, oh my god.
Oh shit! I'm not gonna be able to outswim these sharks.
Ooooh Shit.
What is this? There's aim speed?
Yeah, just turn your fucking aim speed up to ten and you are guaranteed to never hit anything ever-
There's fuckin' two sharks comin' at me at the exact same time,
there was a shark hiding behind another shark!-
I CAN'T TELL WHATS HAPPENING!
(Cheery outro music)