-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You are here. Thank you for watching.
I’m so excited about tonight’s show.
Natasha Lyonne is my guest tonight.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And from "Finding Your Roots,"
Doctor Henry Louis Gates Jr. Is here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, this is fascinating.
I ran into Doctor Gates backstage
and he told me that my great, great,
great, great, great-grandparents were a pint of Guinness
and a sack of potatoes.
-What? -I thought that was nice.
[ Laughter ]
I love "Finding Your Roots," but I notice
when a white celebrity’s ancestry hits 1865,
they’re like, that’s far enough. Thank you. That’s far --
We know -- We -- We -- We know enough.
-Did...Jimmy? -Yeah?
-Did Doctor Gates really tell you about your ancestry?
-Uh, no. Why?
No reason...
[ Laughter ]
...son.
[ Laughter ]
-Well, guys, uh...
[ Laughter and applause ]
New York just had another crazy weather day
with snow, sleet, wind, and cold.
Scientists have actually have a name for this phenomenon.
They’re calling it "winter."
[ Laughter ]
And I had to Google it. -[ Laughs ]
-That’s cool. Meanwhile, over in DC,
the White House got blasted with half a foot of snow.
And because of President Biden’s age,
they had to low sodium salt the driveway.
[ Laughter ]
And that's...
[ Rimshot ]
-Oh!
[ Laughter and applause ]
A little Mrs. Dash. You know. Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Don’t worry, Biden’s staff
took every precaution to keep him safe.
This morning, they attached snow chains to his walker,
so he is fine. Don’t worry.
He’s going to be fine. Do you guys hear about this?
Everyone is okay. But last night in Miami,
a Boeing Jets engine lit on fire,
and the plane had to make an emergency landing.
It’s good they’re branching out instead of
getting pigeonholed as exploding-doors people.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it’s been a tough couple of weeks for Boeing.
They were like, "Do you know what it’s like to watch
all of your work fall apart and go up in flames?"
And Ron DeSantis was like, "Yes. Yes, I do."
Yes you do.
[ Cheers and applause ]
But it was crazy.
The plane was bouncing up and down
and spitting out fireballs.
It’s not good when your plane is impersonating Super Mario.
That’s what I say.
Speaking of planes,
after its failed merger with JetBlue,
Spirit Airlines is facing financial problems
and has over $1 billion in debt.
So the next time you book a flight on Spirit,
keep in mind that the pilot hasn’t been paid
since last June.
[ Laughter ]
$1 billion in debt, Spirit is so strapped for cash,
I heard that they’re going to start charging a landing fee.
[ Laughter ]
You want us to land this thing? Come on.
Well, guys, Congress just passed a spending bill
to prevent a government shutdown
just one day before money would have run out.
Yeah, it was pretty close call.
And now several members of Congress
are speaking out about it.
Here, check out what they had to say.
First up, Congressman Hakeem Jeffries said...
[ Laughter ]
And Congressman John Larson said...
And Congressman Chuck Edwards said...
And Congressman Andre Carson said...
And Congressman Richard Neal said...
[ Laughter ]
And Congresswoman Rosa DeLauro said...
And Congressman John Carter said...
Congresswoman Carol Miller said...
And Congressman Dutch Ruppersberger said...
And Congressman John Curtis said...
And finally, Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene said...
[ Cheers and applause ]
Ah!
[ Drumroll ]
Oh.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Oh.
-Yes, they all said that.
[ Applause ]
Some more political news.
Yesterday, President Biden said that former President Trump
"...doesn’t know what he’s talking about
when it comes to the economy."
Yeah, I don’t know who to trust.
One of them lost money running a casino.
The other thinks a movie costs a nickel.
So I don't know.
[ Laughter ]
Now get this, according to a new poll
among independent voters,
Trump is leading Biden by 11 points.
-Well, that’s just one poll.
So there’s still time.
-Um, actually, according to another poll,
people think time is running out.
-We still have months before the election.
You know, anything can happen before then.
-You’re actually right. There’s a new poll that agrees
that there are months before the election.
[ Laughter ]
-We don’t need a poll to agree
that there are months before the election.
Months is time. Time is not debatable.
-Actually, there’s a new poll says time is debatable.
[ Laughter ]
-I mean, who even are the people taking these polls?
-According to a new poll, you were the person
taking the poll.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, you’re right.
I am the person taking the poll.
Well, how likely are you to enjoy participating
in a Tariq week poll?
-New poll just in, "I love it."
[ Audience murmurs ]
-And who took that poll?
-I took that one, Tariq.
-Whoo!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-♪ It's the Poll Bros ♪
♪ Nothing's ever gonna keep you down ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Poll Bros.
-Poll Bros? -Poll Bros.
-That’s the name of that sketch?
It's Poll Bros? -Named that Poll Bros.
-Poll Bros 2024.
You and Tariq are Poll Bros.
[ Laughter ]
-We will find out tonight.
Got it. [ Rimshot ]
Handling the polls.
-Meanwhile...
[ Laughter ]
Family show. Family show. -Family show.
Meanwhile, I read that Trump is totally convinced
that he’s going to win in 2024
and is already predicting a landslide.
Yeah, right now Trump is oozing confidence and whatever this is.
-Eww. [ Laughter ]
-That’s right. Trump is totally convinced
that he’s going to win in a landslide.
It’s kind of strange considering the polls are so tight.
So to clear things up, we’re now joined by senior
Trump campaign official Jack Snyder.
Thank you for being here, Jack.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you for having me, Jimmy.
Jack. Now, according to all the polls,
it seems like the presidential race is pretty tight.
So why is Trump totally convinced
that it will be a landslide?
-Well, it’s quite simple, actually.
We don’t show him any of the real polls.
-How so?
-Well, for example,
Biden’s leading in Pennsylvania, 41% to 39%.
But we told Trump he’s leading 85 to 15.
Meanwhile, in Michigan, Biden’s leading 45 to 41.
But we told Trump that he’s leading 105 to -8.
Wait, that’s -- that’s that’s not even
mathematically possible.
-I mean, Jimmy, he -- he doesn’t know that, you know.
-Uh, what about, uh,
Democratic strongholds like California?
-Well, in California,
we said that Biden took his name off the ballot
when they changed their state flag
to include Trump shirtless,
riding the bear, waving an American flag.
We even showed him this --
-And he believed it?
-Oh, he believes everything we tell him.
-But how do you keep him from seeing the real polls?
-Look, Jimmy, we just toss him a Big Mac,
and he plays with it like a cat, you know?
[ Laughter ]
-All right. One final question.
Is Elise Stefanik really Trump’s top pick for VP right now?
-It’s between her and Bluey. -Oh there you go.
Thank you very much Jack Schneider everybody.
Thank you, Jack. Bluey?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, I saw that the the federal officials are cracking down
on funny traffic signs that use more casual language.
Do you know what I’m talking about?
For example, this is one from Massachusetts
says "Use yah blinkah!"
[ Laughter ]
It’s funny and it’s cute,
but looking at some other traffic signs,
I can tell why officials really want to crack down on them.
Check this out. It says...
[ Laughter ]
-Wow. -This one says...
And finally, this one says...
[ Cheers and applause ]
What? That’s distracting.
[ Applause ]
And finally, for a limited time,
Oreo is bringing back their cereal Mega Stuf Oreo O’s.
Yep, Mega Stuf Oreo cereal.
It’s great if you want to sit your kids to vibrate.
[ Laughter ]
It’s not good when your cereal makes Lucky Charms
look like the healthy option.
Guys, we have a great show. Natasha Lyonne is here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Doctor Henry Louis Gates Jr. is joining us,
and he has a great new special called "Working Man" on Netflix.
We have standup from Dusty Slay.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Stick around, when we come back,
we’re doing some Shout Outs. Come on back.