- What's the standard narrative of sexual desire
that we grow to understand?
It just happens spontaneously.
We see someone sexy walking by and we get aroused
and want to have sex.
It's a drive like hunger or thirst.
So when it occurs, it must be satisfied.
And experiencing lots of the spontaneous sexual desire
is what is seen as normal,
and so therefore something that we want to have.
And happy couples have sex three times a week,
no more, no less.
But what if I told you,
there is no such thing as a sex drive.
We've been sold the lie that what's normal is horniness
being sparked out of the blue
and that being the start of most sexual encounters.
And we've also been sold the lie that low sexual desire
is a problem to be fixed,
and that if you don't want sex all the time,
even if when you do have sex, you really like it,
then there must be something wrong with you.
And the lie that quantity is the measure of a good sex life.
If you're new here, hello, my name is Hannah,
I make videos about sex and relationships.
And if you haven't already, and would like to see
more content from me, please do subscribe.
This video is also brought to you by The Common Room,
the lovely members of my patron.
Thank you guys so much for supporting my content.
Before we continue, let's clarify some terms.
Sexual desire is wanting to have sex.
Sexual arousal is feeling turned on physically or mentally.
And sexual relevance is about noticing and responding
to stimuli that is associated with sex.
I made a video called The Secret To Sexual Arousal,
which explains all about sexual relevance
and how it's different to what we subjectively like
and don't like,
and how our brains are constantly scanning the world
even without us knowing for sexually relevant material.
But everyone is different in terms of how they react
to that material and how easy it is or isn't for them
to get turned on.
So if you want to learn about how to get turned on,
watch that video.
But this video isn't just about feeling turned on,
it's about how that translates to wanting sex, desire.
So if sexual relevance is about expecting sex,
sexual arousal is about liking sex,
and sexual desire is about wanting sex.
And one more term, sexual orientation.
This is who turns you on and who you want to have sex with.
Quick moment to say that asexuality
and low sexual desire are two separate things.
Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction,
and it's also on a spectrum,
and so there is a huge variety in the different ways
that asexual people might experience desire
and arousal, or not experience them.
I'm still learning about this, and I'm not asexual myself,
so I am happy to discuss further in the comments.
But currently the way that I see it is that desire,
arousal and orientation and asexuality is an orientation,
are connected, but separate.
So in this video,
I'm gonna share with you the truth about sexual desire,
wanting sex.
And the truth is we've been getting it wrong.
A lot of people, especially women,
think that they are broken or that they have a problem
because they don't experience sexual desire
in the way that society, media and our culture represent it
and celebrate it.
But you're not broken.
We're not broken.
How we've been taught to understand desire is,
thanks to Emily Nagoski and her book," Come As You Are",
for being my personal introduction to these new ideas.
And also Dr. Karen Gurney's book, "Mind The Gap",
which specifically focuses on desire,
and has lots of UK data about our sex lives.
So I would highly recommend reading these books
if you want to dive into more detail around these topics
and things we're going to talk about in this video.
Sex isn't a drive?
High sex drive, low sex drive,
whatever it is, desire has always,
at least in my memory, being called a drive.
We do have many drives in our bodies,
but sex is not one of them.
Hunger is a drive.
Thirst is a drive.
These are uncomfortable experiences that push you out
into the world in order to fix the problem.
Eat something. Drink some water.
If you do not fix the problem, what happens?
You die.
The problem here is not just that sex as a drive
is factually wrong, it's also a dangerous myth.
When we frame sex as a need,
it creates an environment of sexual entitlement.
And in a patriarchal society,
specifically men's sexual entitlement,
if sex is a hunger that must be fed,
you can invent justifications for any strategy
that someone might use to relieve themselves,
and potential sexual partners become food.
No one has died from a lack of sex,
but people have killed
because of a sense of entitlement to it.
I apologise for the dark turn there,
but I just really want you to understand that,
one, there is no such thing as a sex drive
and two, the idea that there is,
is really harmful and potentially dangerous.
If sex isn't a drive, what is it?
Sex is an incentive motivation system.
Instead of pushing you away
from an uncomfortable experience in order to fix it,
it's a pull towards an attractive, alluring
and intriguing potential experience.
It's a curiosity.
I'm talking from personal experience here,
but I think a lot of people will agree.
The less I have sex, the less I want sex.
However, if I have sex again,
then suddenly I want it more
because I've been reminded how great it is.
So, incentive motivation system, not drive.
So remember at the beginning when I mentioned that
we consider desire that pops out of the blue
as normal and something to be desired,
well, that is called spontaneous desire.
A lot of people do experience it,
however, not everyone, and not all the time.
There is another kind of desire, responsive desire.
Spontaneous desire happens in anticipation of pleasure.
Responsive desire happens in response to pleasure.
It's in the name, responsive desire.
When I learned this, honestly, it was such a game changer,
a revelation, so much made sense to me.
It's stats time.
Just to clarify, I'm using the terms, men and women,
because they are the people
who participated in the research.
Most sex research is done with cis people
and also white people.
So that is a lot of room for improvement and inclusion
of trans and non binary people
and also non-white people in sex research.
I just wanted to mention that before saying these numbers
and why I'm using men and women.
So, 75% of men and 15% of women
experience spontaneous desire.
And responsive desire is how 5% of men
and 30% of women experience desire.
And about 5% of people don't experience spontaneous
or responsive desire.
And yes, these don't add up to 100%
because for a lot of people, it's context dependent
whether they experience spontaneous or responsive desire.
Remember the definitions from earlier?
Sexual relevance is expecting sex.
Sexual arousal is liking sex.
And sexual desire is wanting sex.
Spontaneous desire goes expecting, wanting, liking.
But responsive desire goes expecting, liking, wanting.
The research project, Debunking Desire,
have this really great website
with loads of information about desire.
And there's this really cool illustration
showing the difference between responsive
and spontaneous desire.
Devised by Dr. Rosemary Basson,
this is Basson's sexual response cycle.
So we start with sexual neutrality.
This is your state when you're not thinking about
or wanting sex.
Then willingness to be receptive.
How receptive are you to noticing and paying attention
to sexual stimuli with appropriate context?
This could be touching, kissing fantasy.
And I say with appropriate context,
because our brains can register the exact same stimulus
or the exact same sensation differently,
depending on the context.
Also going on at the side here is other stimuli.
This could be tiredness, stress,
how attractive you feel.
So you need to turn on the ons and off the offs
in order to feel some sexual arousal.
It feels good.
The context is great.
And you're liking what's happening.
This whole bit here is what
my secrets to sexual arousal video dealt with.
So if you decide to continue,
you'll get increased arousal,
and, hello, responsive desire.
Welcome to the party.
Now comes the feeling of wanting more as your desire
and arousal increase.
And finally, emotional and physical satisfaction.
This could be orgasm, could be feelings of closeness
or just feeling satisfied and done.
And eventually at some point,
back to not thinking about sex.
Am I ever here or am I just constantly here?
I think I might be constantly here.
But what about spontaneous desire?
Great question.
Spontaneous desire can feel like it comes out of nowhere,
and it can lead to sexual stimuli if you're around someone
who's into it and who you're into it with.
Boom!
Or if there isn't someone around,
it'll lead to willingness to be receptive.
But here's the thing, and this is important.
Both spontaneous and responsive desire
are completely normal and healthy.
One is not better than the other.
One is not more desirable. They're just different.
Why is spontaneous desire valued more highly in our culture?
Well, spontaneous desire is what the majority
of men experience.
And in a patriarchal society, which we live in,
male is the norm, and male is seen as default.
And so when we compare ourselves
to this narrow definition of normal, we fall short.
And a lot of people, especially women, feel broken.
Here's the kicker.
Believing that you are broken
or that there is something wrong with you
does not create the psychological context
for pleasure and desire to occur.
Dissatisfaction comes from thinking your sexuality
should be one thing, and finding out that it isn't.
So how do we become more satisfied with our sex lives
and experience more pleasure?
The really unsexy answer is acceptance.
And also not measuring our satisfaction
in terms of the frequency with
which we experienced desire.
Desire isn't the measure of sexual wellbeing, pleasure is.
The truth about sexual desire is that
we spend way too much time focusing on it,
worrying about it,
putting pressure on ourselves and others to experience it,
when the focus should be on creating
and experiencing pleasure,
and desire will emerge from that.
Capitalist culture normalises and encourages wanting.
If we were satisfied,
we wouldn't need to buy anything.
And this mentality affects our sex lives too.
We're obsessed with having more sex,
having better sex, by whose standards anyway?
Having the right kind of sex.
And it's not our fault that we think like this,
but it's not helpful.
Sexual satisfaction and sexual wellbeing
doesn't come from wanting lots of sex.
It comes from liking the sex that you have.
That doesn't mean if you are having terrible sex,
just accept it and learn to like it.
No, that is not what I'm saying.
If you are having sex that you enjoy,
focus on that or try and discover and explore the things
that you like and the things that bring you pleasure.
Again, focus on pleasure, not desire.
Desire can be tricky and it can cause a lot of frustration
in our lives and in our relationships.
But I hope that understanding that there are different ways
to experience desire will be reassuring.
If you want to make a conscious effort to experience desire
or have a sexual experience with a partner,
then Emily Nagoski recommends what she calls
the window of willingness.
This is 10 minutes or however long you want
to give yourselves to kiss, cuddle, touch,
do the things that you know you like,
but with no pressure for it to go any further.
If you just have a nice chill,
10 minutes of lying down and kissing, great.
If what's happening starts to lead to arousal,
that leads to desire, also great.
You do not have to wait for desire to strike randomly
in order to have sex.
You can in a non-pressuring environment,
create a space for desire to occur.
And you guessed it, that space is pleasure.
Pleasure town.
Welcome to pleasure town. Thank you for watching.
I hope that you found this video interesting or helpful.
I'll leave links in the description
to "Come As You Are", "Mind The Gap" and "Debunking Desire",
as they are all great resources to check out.
I hope that you're well.
And I'll see you in my next video. Bye.
Appropriate contexts.