- Look at you, Seth.
You've got the got the spray-on tan, the the waxed eyebrows,
the the pec implants...
halogen teeth...
the bleached anus.
The scrotal tuck, nipple enlargement...
taint augmentation.
But I gotta admit, I envy you.
You've got boatloads of money, three TV shows, and still,
even with all the work you've had done,
you could walk down the street totally unrecognized.
(laughter and cheers)
(upbeat music and crowd applause)
- For years, Rob Lowe had a sex addiction,
but he cured it by getting less famous.
(laughter)
It's not easy being Rob.
He said being so handsome made it difficult
for him to find meaningful roles.
I wanted to ask Brad Pitt about that,
but he was too busy, acting in meaningful roles.
(laughter)
Rob was great on the West Wing.
You remember that show?
(audience cheers)
I assume your pal Charlie Sheen helped you with that.
He's used to working with aids.
(uncomfortable laughter)
White House aids!
Where did you go?
Oh, oh...
- Caitlin Jenner is here.
(audience cheers)
Caitlin completed her gender reassignment in 2017,
finally confirming that no one in that family
wants a white dick.
(uproarious laughter)
(laughter and cheering continues)
- It's an honor to be at a roast hosted by Shaq's Dick.
(laughter)
Wow! Wow.
Ludacris and Snoop Dogg are here.
If I was 38, I'd be freaking out right now.
(uproarious laughter)
Kev, I loved you as black Annie.
(uproarious laughter)
He was so good.
- Jewel is here.
Or as I call her, "Trailer Swift."
(uproarious laughter)
(laughter continues)
Jewel, I do not wanna badmouth you
since God already did.
(stunned laughter)
No!
- Many of you might not know this
but Seth Rogan has a writing
and directing partner named Evan Goldberg.
(audience cheers)
What does this other guy look like,
that you are the face of the operation?
(audience laughs)
I assume he is like a sweaty Orthodox Jew
eating a pastrami sandwich.
Hey Sethy, yeah, I added nine dick jokes
on page four, and I was thinking
that the guys are friends and then they're not friends.
And then at the end of the movie, they're friends again.
(loud laughter)
And also they should smoke a lot of ganja, Sethy.
(laughter)
- Justin Bieber, everybody.
(audience cheers and laughter)
Seems like only yesterday you were discovered on YouTube.
Time flies when you're a piece of shit.
(uproarious laughter)
Justin, Selena Gomez had to (beep) you.
She is literally the least lucky Selena
in all of entertainment history.
(laughter)
- Pete Davidson, Pete's dad...
(audience cheers and applause)
...never got to see him on SNL
because he passed away on 9-11.
Pete's mom has never seen him on SNL because she blinks.
(laughter)
Is Pete white?
Is he black?
Ann Coulter needs to know,
so she can decide if she hates him.
(loud laughter and cheers)
Pete, I actually thought you were black,
but I guess you just have your dad's ashy skin.
- My hero, Charlie Sheen.
(audience cheers)
Dude, your nose is like my ass.
There's nothing you won't shove up there.
(audience laughter)
I've been clean and sober for three-and-a-half years now,
(audience cheers)
but Charlie still hasn't hit rock bottom.
I know he is looking forward to it though,
because he thinks there's a rock there.
(laughter)
You know, when Charlie started referring to his
girlfriends as goddesses, I was confused.
So I looked it up in the dictionary.
It said, Goddesses: plural, noun.
Two (beep) who got sick of buying their own drugs.
(uncomfortable laughter)
But Charlie, don't ever pretend
that you're not a totally bitchin rockstar from Mars,
because you are.
(audience applause and cheers)
And I love you and I am so grateful
that you've let me be a part of this tonight.
- Steve-o,
you're an animal, man!
People say I'm crazy, but you, you are the real deal.
This guy actually got a tattoo of his own face,
on his back.
There it is. There it is.
(audience cheers)
Even he knows it was a huge mistake,
because it makes Johnny Knoxville's (beep) go soft.
(shocked laughter)
- Kevin does all of his own stunts.
He climbs into his own chair.
(laughter)
He climbs out of his own bathtub.
(uproarious laughter)
He goes up on his wife.
(laughter continues)
- Carrie Fisher,
thank you for visiting us from the past!
(laughter)
When Comedy Central looked at the stats, they said
"We just don't have enough
washed up, repugnant,
drug-addicted, menopausal,
husbands.
(laughter)
Get me Carrie Fisher!"
(laughter)
- Bruce,
- Yes.
- this is honestly a real, a big personal moment
for me to be here roasting my dead cousin's
second-favorite action star.
(uncomfortable laughter)
I know you obviously as the star
of every DVD you kind of just find on the street.
(laughter)
Obviously you had an amazing action-film career
until Jason Statham started balding.
(laughter)
I'm just not familiar with action movies.
I don't know,
I've never seen a single one of your films,
consensually.
(laughter)
Like, it's always what some guy puts on
while he is trying to finger me on his roommate's couch.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Maybe I didn't understand The Fifth Element
and it wasn't cuz I'm a dumb girl, but
because it's hard to follow that plot when you're
fighting off a roofie and there's a knuckle inside you.
You know?
Just be?
Oh, I loved The Sixth Sense though,
I loved...
and the ending when the guy
came in my eye
and I didn't have to watch the rest of it?
That was great.
(laughter)
A lot of people don't know
that Bruce is a very talented musician
because he isn't.
(audience laughter)
Bruce has also been very active
with the Make-A-Wish Foundation,
which is where they make sick kids meet you,
so dying doesn't seem so terrible.
(uneasy laughter)
- So cool.
- Bill Hader, good friend of mine,
(audience applause)
right?
He was brilliant on SNL, he was brilliant.
And when he left the show this year,
every single person was like, "What are you doing?
You're never ever gonna work again.
Like ever."
And what does my man Bill do?
Boom. He goes ahead and books himself a T-Mobile commercial.
(audience laughter)
Who's laughing now, Lorne Michaels?
(audience laughter)
My man Bill is.
I mean, this guy's cashing checks
from the fourth-largest
mobile provider in the nation.
(audience laughter)
And look, no, look, I respect Bill because
Sprint was coming after him hard,
(laughter)
but he just held out for that
fuck you T-Mobile money.
(uproarious laughter)
- Let's hear it for Rob Lowe, okay.
Right?
(audience cheers)
Rob Lowe.
- Thank you.
Thank you-
- Or as gonorrhea doctors call him: Patient Zero.
(audience laughter)
People call Rob Lowe a bad actor,
but that's only because they never
saw him tell his wife,
"He didn't (beep) that nanny."
(audience laughs)
- Caitlin Jenner is an American gold medalist
who changed genders and somehow still managed
to be the least-interesting member of her family.
(audience laughter)
Your strength and beauty are as hypnotic
as a Salvador Dali painting
of Kellyanne Conway.
(uproarious laughter)
You look like a real doll,
that's been fucked a little too close to the fireplace.
(uproarious laughter)
- It's nice to see Snoop again,
one of the highest-rated episodes on my show,
Martha Stewart Living,
was when Snoop and I made brownies together.
(audience laughter and cheers)
- And...
I've used his recipe ever since.
As a matter of fact, I ate three of them,
right before they called and asked me
to do this roast.
(audience laughter and cheers)
Snoop,
I see that you've been following my beauty regimen.
You would never know that Snoop Dogg is 43 now
which is three times as long as actual dogs live
and twice as long as most of his friends.
(audience gasps and laughter)
I taught Snoop that the most important thing
in business is diversification.
Besides his music career,
Snoop now has produced a porn movie.
And by the way, Natasha, you were great in that.
(wild laughter and cheers)
- Look at you, you handsome son of a bitch,
take off your hair,
so I can run my fingers through it.
You look great.
(laughter and cheers)
You know, David, here's the thing.
Some people call you...
a washed-up, talentless pile of crap.
Just, just a terrible human being.
I'd like to thank everyone for coming tonight,
and let's get started...
(audience cheers and laughter)
...with the roast.
David, your, your acting is like Inception.
There's no sense of reality.
(laughter)
It's impossible to follow what's happening,
and midway through, we realize
you were unconscious the whole time.
(uproarious laughter)
You know, I'll tell you though, my friend,
you will always be Mitch...
Buchannon... from Baywatch, to me.
(audience cheers)
This is a show that did for lifeguards
what skin cancer did for lifeguards.
(audience laughter)
Yes, for all his achievements, for all this man's
many achievements, it was really Baywatch that
made David a global celebrity.
David had an important role, an important role on Baywatch.
His job was to kill boners.
(laughter)
But David is more than just a terrible actor.
(laughter)
He's also a terrible singer.
He's...
he's the only singer in history
whose Autotune just said, "(beep)" it!
(audience cheers and laughs)
Now, as you saw from his big entrance,
David is hooked on a feeling:
The feeling he gets,
from six Vicodin.
(uneasy laughter)
Recently, however,
he hasn't "had time," to do another huge singing event,
just like Matt Damon and Ben Affleck
haven't "had time," to write another screenplay,
or Anderson Cooper hasn't "had time,"
to find that special lady.
(wild laughter and applause)
And the Hoff is multilingual.
They may not know this.
He can speak... what, English, Spanish, German,
and whatever the (beep) that language was
in that cheeseburger video.
(laughter)
Yes.
David.
- Woo-hoo!
- My friend, you have done it all.
- Thank you.
- You've gone from Baywatch,
to Deathwatch, and I think...
(laughter)
I think I speak for everybody here,
when I say that what we remember most
of all about you,
is Pam Anderson's tits.
(uproarious laughter and cheers)
- Jonah Hill is here.
Yes, I do think...
one day,
Jonah,
will, win, an Oscar,
Meyer, Hotdog-Eater of the Millennium Award.
(laughter and cheers)
Look, this guy is a huge star.
He's hanging out with the Brad Pitts,
and the Leonardo DiCaprios of the world.
If I was hanging out with those guys,
you think I'd still get brunch with Nick Kroll?
(laughter)
No, of course not.
That's how successful Jonah is.
He had to get new friends.
That's my new career goal,
to never see Nick Kroll again.
(laughter)
- Robert De Niro is here...
(audience loud applause and cheers)
...looking like ALF.
(uneasy audience laughter)
I can't even believe, I...
I get to share this stage
with you tonight, Roberts De Niro, and,
and by this stage
I mean the final one of your life, it's...
(shocked laughter)
Oh I'm sorry.
I don't feel right about any of this.
- So Justin, as a police officer of the law,
I'm going to give it to you straight,
which I know will be a new experience for you.
(audience laughter)
I got a question, Justin.
What kind of bitch,
eggs his neighbor's house?
You caused $20,000 in damages.
Imagine the damage you would've caused
if you threw like a boy.
(audience laughter)
And what are you doing
dropping 75 Gs in the Miami Strip Club?
I heard the DJ play one of your songs
and the dancers complained
their pussies were drying up.
(audience laughter)
Justin, as a father of six, you gotta straighten up, son.
You know, last year you were ranked
the fifth-most hated person of all time?
Kim Jong-un didn't even score that low.
(laughter)
And he uses your music to (beep) torture people.
(laughter)
But thanks to that music, Justin is worth over
$200 million...
- [Justin] Yes sir!
- ...and in prison,
four packs of Kools.
(loud laughter and applause)
Justin got a tattoo of Jesus on his calf.
Why do you gotta bring Jesus into your mess?
That man has suffered enough.
(audience laughter)
- Dennis Rodman, where do I begin?
(audience laughter)
If you had told me back in the nineties
that Dennis Rodman would be negotiating
a nuclear-arms agreement in 2018, I would've said,
"Dennis Rodman is alive in 2018?"
(audience laughter)
- I just met this guy, Pete Davidson,
backstage, before the show, a great guy.
He asked to take a picture with me,
and I didn't even realize he was one of the comedians.
I told him, "Don't give up kid.
Whatever disease you have, you can beat it."
(audience laughs and cheers)
- [Pete] Yes!
That's a Super Bowl champ.
That's a Super Bowl champ!
Yes!
- And now,
for the only true,
movie star,
on this stage...
Me.
(audience laughs and cheers)
- Critics say I have a unique quality as an actor.
I actually like Alec Baldwin.
And I'm happy to be here for Alec.
But honestly, I'm here to teach Chris Redd,
Caitlin Jenner,
and Blake Griffin,
how to fuck black women.
(uproarious applause laughter)
- [Chris] Watch out for black women!
(applause and laughter continues)
- Here's an historical fact.
Alec's ancestors came over on the Mayflower.
Alec's great, great, great, great
great grandfather was the first white man to
punch a Native American in the face.
(uneasy laughter)
That's a fact.
Now Alec is doing it
to paparazzi and he doesn't care who he hits.
I once saw him take a selfie and punch his own face.
(audience laughs)
You've starred in huge blockbuster movies, Alec,
and now you're hosting a fucking game show?
- Yeah.
- I'd say you're about a year-and-a-half away
from doing commercials for reverse mortgages.
(audience laughs)
Alec, I want to thank you for inviting me to do this.
Now, Rocky and Bullwinkle won't be the most
embarrassing thing I've ever done.
(audience laughs and cheers)
- I ran into Nikki Glaser in the lady's room.
I saw her from behind,
with her slender body and blonde hair,
and I thought, "She must be a model."
Then she turned around,
and I thought, "Nope, she's a comic."
(audience laughter)
- Look at you, Seth, you've got the...
got the spray-on tan, the the waxed eyebrows,
the pec implants,
halogen teeth,
the bleached anus,
(audience laughs)
the scrotal tuck,
nipple enlargement,
taint augmentation.
But I gotta admit, I envy you.
You've got boatloads of money, three TV shows,
and still...
even with all the work you've had done,
you could walk down the street totally unrecognized.
(wild laughter)