Voting.
It's how America chooses which person it'll be mad at
for the next four years.
Now, even though Election Day is still weeks away,
the election has started in many states
and that's thanks to mail-in voting.
Now, as you may have heard,
there is one individual who is extremely unhappy about that.
Mail-in voting. It's gonna be the greatest...
fraud in the history of elections.
There's no way you can go through
a mail-in vote without massive cheating.
The ballots are lost. There's fraud.
There's theft. It's-it's happening all over the place.
Russia, China,
North Korea, Iran.
These countries can grab those ballots
or print forgeries of those ballots.
Kids go and they raid the mailboxes
and they hand them to people that are signing the ballots
down the end of the street, which is happening.
The mail-in ballots. They mail 'em to anybody.
And they send 'em out by the millions.
Number were sent-- I guess two that--
At least two, three, four were sent to dogs.
One was sent to a cat.
Holy shit, guys.
Trump is freaking out.
People are cheating.
Cats and dogs are getting ballots.
Although, if I'm perfectly honest,
I don't mind dogs voting,
because they'll vote for whoever their owner votes for.
But cats!
You can't trust them for shit.
Those assholes will vote for Jill Stein just to mess with us.
"Meow."
I will say though,
Trump's stories about kids
and foreign countries rigging the election
sound pretty terrifying.
(Russian accent): "Hey, kid. Go and get ballot from mailbox
"and I will reward you with delicious Russian candy.
It's frozen onion."
But regardless of how it happens,
clearly, Trump's goal here is to stir up fears about fraud.
And if you commit fraud, you're going down.
Unless it's tax fraud. Then Trump wants to trade tips.
But voter fraud? You're going down!
But just to be clear,
are there sometimes isolated incidents of voter fraud?
Sure. There are. Right?
But in the states that have been doing
all-mail elections for years,
there's been no evidence of anything close
to widespread problems that can affect the election.
But--
and this is a big "but"--
that doesn't mean that America has no problems
with mail-in voting at all.
In fact, the real danger with mail-in voting isn't fraud.
It's all the little things that can get your vote thrown out.
NEWSWOMAN: There is evidence of widespread rejection
of mail-in ballots because of human error.
In this year's primary, more than half a million ballots
were reportedly thrown out for simple mistakes,
such as signatures not matching the state's records,
a missing signature, envelope problems,
and ballots arriving after the deadline.
NEWSMAN: Many voters do not realize they have to sign
the back of the ballot envelope they mail in.
NEWSMAN 2: Rather than fill in the bubble,
they put an "X" or they put a stray mark somewhere.
The ballot is-is discounted and thrown out.
NEWSMAN 3: Pennsylvania is one of 16 states
requiring that voters receive two envelopes
with a mail-in ballot,
the outer postmarked envelope and the inner one,
meant to preserve anonymity and protect from tampering.
Pennsylvania State Supreme Court now ordering officials
to throw out mail-in ballots
that arrive without inner privacy envelopes,
known as naked ballots.
NEWSMAN 4: As many as 100,000 votes statewide
could be invalidated because of missing privacy envelopes.
President Trump won Pennsylvania in 2016
by just over 44,000 votes.
Oh, man.
This could be a major disaster.
Hundreds of thousands of votes could get thrown out
because of minor human errors,
just from a missing signature to a partially filled bubble.
The more I learn about American democracy,
the more I think to myself,
you guys are invading other countries to give them this?
I mean, maybe you guys should figure out this thing
before taking it to the global market.
And don't get me wrong.
I see why a lot of these ballot requirements exist.
I mean, they were designed to prevent fraud.
The only problem is that they can mean
that a perfectly legal vote gets thrown out.
You know? It would be like missing one square
with a traffic light
but, instead of not getting into your e-mail account,
Donald Trump gets a second term.
"I knew it was a traffic light. I knew it!"
And, yeah, part of the problem
is that there are a lot of little things you have to do
and you have to get right for your ballot to count.
But the other problem
is that most people just don't like reading instructions.
I mean, it's the reason most of us can't cook.
Cooking is literally just reading instructions
and doing what they say.
And yet half of us are going rogue in the kitchen, like,
"It says a teaspoon of salt,
"but my hand is basically a teaspoon, right?
"Wait, what do you mean my cookies got thrown out?
"Those were perfectly valid cookies!
Now what are people supposed to eat at the orgy?"
Oh, and if you're one of those perfect people
who never misses a detail and won't ever make a mistake,
first of all, kill yourself.
And, secondly, it turns out the government
might make your mistakes for you.
A mailer that was supposed to help district voters confirm
their mailing address instead is sparking a lot of confusion.
The D.C. Board of Elections sent as many
as 500,000 faulty mailers.
If you follow the instructions
and you tear the card along the perforated lines
before you mail it,
vital information will not be included.
NEWSMAN: Roughly 1,400 voters here in Northern Virginia
got duplicate absentee ballots.
What elections officials are telling the Washington Post
is that this was a-a clerical error.
NEWSWOMAN: Absentee ballots are arriving in thousands
of New York City mailboxes,
but we are told there is a major problem
with the return envelope stuffed inside.
Voters tell News 4 they were just about to mail in
their absentee ballot when they noticed
the name and address on the return envelope wasn't theirs.
Man, can you imagine that?
Your vote doesn't count
because the government messed up your ballot.
That's why you have to vote for a better government.
But you can't, because they messed up your ballot.
It's the perfect crime.
How come this never happens with the IRS? Huh?
You never get to not pay your taxes
because they messed up your name.
"Mr. Terver Nohall,
it's time for you to pay your taxes."
Actually, that's not my name.
"Man, (bleep) your name!
We here for the money!"
And, look, I'm not at all surprised
that this is happening with these ballots.
Because this kind of thing happens with all mail.
I mean, think about everything you know
about the people who used to live at your address
just based on the mail for them that you still get.
Like, I know the guy who lived here before me
used to shop at West Elm.
I know that he went to the University of Arkansas.
And I know that he has terrible credit
because of all the credit cards I fill out in his name.
By the way, thanks for the new TV, Dave. I appreciate it.
Oh, and, by the way, your blood work came back. Ooh.
Now, the truth is, mistakes are made
with mail-in ballots every single election.
But this year especially,
Donald Trump is preparing to hunt down any mistakes
that could get a vote thrown out.
Because he knows that Democrats are planning
to overwhelmingly vote by mail.
So, look, I don't want to give anyone the wrong idea.
The vast majority of mail-in ballots should be fine.
But if you want to be even more sure that your vote will count,
you should try to vote in person if it's safe for you to do so.
And if your state offers early voting,
that's a good way to avoid crowds
and long lines on Election Day.
But if you can't vote in person
and you want to make sure that your mail-in ballot is counted,
well, don't worry.
The Daily Social Distancing Show has got you covered.
This year, many Americans will be voting by mail
for the first time.
For some young voters,
this will be the first time they've sent any mail at all.
So, to make sure your ballot is counted,
we put together some simple mail-in voting dos and don'ts.
Do remember that, unless you live in these nine states,
you can only get a mail-in ballot
after you've applied for one and been approved.
It's called consent.
Once you get your ballot, do vote as early as possible.
In fact, I already filled out my ballot for the 2024 election.
Good luck on election night, Steve Buscemi.
Do follow all the instructions.
Mail-in voting is like building a bookshelf from Ikea.
Skip one step, and the whole thing could collapse
and fall on your nephew Dennis,
and then everybody stops talking to you.
Don't write in a fake address like "69 Doggy Style Lane."
(laughing): Which, actually, is pretty good.
I'm going to use that.
Do sign your name before sending your ballot in.
And not that scribble bullshit
you do on the credit card machine at CVS.
Your real signature.
Don't eat Cheetos right before you fill your ballot out.
The smudges won't nullify your vote.
It's just gross.
Don't use your ballot to writer Fuller House erotica.
Even you if you have interesting ideas
about what Uncle Jesse and Kimmy Gibbler
could do to each other. It's been done.
Do remember that your state
might require a witness to sign your ballot, too.
Don't knock it 'till you try it.
Sometimes voting can be hotter when someone's watching.
Do not send in a naked ballot.
In the states that require it, make sure to put your ballot
inside the secrecy envelope before sending.
Also, do not send in a naked photo of yourself.
I've been told by numerous election officials
they are not welcome,
even if they're extremely sexy.
Don't copy the Asian kids' answers.
This isn't high school algebra... Roy.
Ain't nobody looking at you, dude.
I'm over here waiting for my turn to talk.
Oh, really. Were you?
-Yes. -Okay.
Don't hand your ballot to anyone
who introduces himself as an "official ballot taste tester."
He does not work at the post office.
Do take a selfie when you mail your ballot in,
because we all know, humble bragging on social media
is basically the whole point of voting.
Do not keep your ballot as a souvenir.
What are you, an idiot?
Do give yourself a pat on the back
after turning in your ballot.
Democracy was in your hands, and you did it.
The bare minimum.
Well done.
Once you've voted, it's time to prepare
for the post-election chaos.
Do make sure you have enough wood
to build yourself a bunker,
and do not (bleep) with me at night.
I'm ready, mother(bleep).