I'm Perch Perkins,
and here are tonight's top stories.
First, the Bikini Bottom housing market is booming.
As new apartments have opened up
inside SpongeBob SquarePants' pours.
The apartments reportedly offer jaw dropping balcony views
from SpongeBob's heart to his kidneys.
Nice.
And then the Krusty Krab has been hit
with their 80th health code violation,
marking a new record for one week.
Gross.
Lastly, our top story: a worm faced monstrosity
was spotted near Conch Street begging residents for a hug.
That's disgusting.
Who would want to hug? Eh.
And later, we'll be reading fan letters.
Stick around to find out what Plankton thinks
about our show.
If he doesn't like it, we won't read it.
My leg!
And now a word from our sponsor.
Extra strong anti deodorant.
Check out what everyone's running from.
I did not need to see that. Ugh!
Wow, this stuff really works.
[sniffing] Ugh.
This is going to come off right? Right?
[chuckles] No.
Back to our first story.
New luxury condos have opened up inside SpongeBob's pores.
These exclusive properties are accessible by parachuting
from private jets. According to Water BnB,
this special deal also includes a continental kelp breakfast
and access to a rooftop grill,
which is conveniently located next to SpongeBob's brain.
Oh, wow. It's a lot smaller than I thought.
My brains obviously much better looking
and bigger and smarter-er-er. See?
I- I swear that's not mine.
However, it could be months
before a room opens up inside SpongeBob,
as the current guests are wealthy out of town worms.
Where did these worms come from?
Scientists believe they could be in the same family
as the Alaskan bull worm.
[chuckles]
Imagine being related to an Alaskan bull worm.
You'd have to be some kind of barnacle head.
[growling]
Kidding. Kidding.
Can't anyone take a joke around here?
[worm grunting] While the success
of the real estate market has been great
for Bikini Bottom's small businesses,
hundreds of noise complaints have been filed across the city
due to the worms' excessive partying.
[music playing, laughing]
[horns blowing]
[music playing]
The obnoxious noise even interrupted
my beauty sleep last night.
Luckily, you definitely can't tell
because I'm wearing enough makeup.
[screaming]
Zoom out. Zoom out. Can we get a touch up here?
In other news, just when you thought
health concerns couldn't get any worse
at the Krusty Krab, new reports have suggested
residents are dumping literal garbage
onto the restaurant's grill. A new rock bottom for Mr. Krabs.
Rock Bottom.
Coincidentally enough, customers are now flooding
to Rock Bottom for dining options
to... get... a... cleaner... meal.
Hasta la vista, worm boy.
And don't come back until you're dewormed!
The Krusty Krab is now enforcing a no shoes, no shirt,
no worms, no service policy.
I'm waiting for Mr. Krabs to implement a pants policy.
Hint, hint, Mr. Squidward. It's time to take a call
to discuss the health concerns at the Krusty Krab.
It's time for Perch phone.
[dialing]
Bubble Bass, you're on the Perch phone.
Are you aware that the Krusty Krab
has been serving Krabby Patties contaminated with garbage?
They what?
I just had a quad burger delivered to my house.
Well, there's no way you can eat that now.
It was made near garbage.
[chewing]
- Bubble Bass? You there? [Bubble Bass belching]
I said, your burger has literal trash in it.
[belching] That's it.
I'm going down there right now to see if they have
any more of those Trash Patties.
It was delicious.
Say what now?
Mother, I'm hungry! Let's go!
Okay. And now breaking news.
This afternoon, local residents reported
that a worm faced abomination was wandering around
124 Conch Street, begging for a hug.
I need a hug.
[screaming]
We now turn it over to our second best reporter,
who is live at the scene.
Bikini Bottom's second best reporter
Lurch Lurkins.
Hey, Lurch, what's new in Bottomfeederville?
I'm looking for a new job.
You want to leave the Bikini Bottom Inquirer?
Is this because of someone you work with?
Yeah.
[gasping] I know who it is.
Our intern. You're fired, Birch.
So, I have a hunch on who this monster could be.
Really?
I don't think we've seen this worm faced monster
and my ex-wife in the same room. [laughing]
Oh, I miss her.
Well, thanks, Burch.
I'm live on Conch Street following the appearance
of a worm-like creature.
The monster could have caused some serious collateral damage
if it wasn't for local hero and definitely not famous
clarinetist, Squidward Tentacles,
who sprayed the monster with a hose.
After the water subsided, the monstrosity was revealed
to be Squidward's neighbor, SpongeBob WormPants.
Seriously, the SpongeBob worm thing again?
Did nothing else happen today?
I now have an exclusive interview
with one of the worms that's been living
inside of SpongeBob SquarePants.
What's it like to live in Bikini Bottom's
hottest new neighborhood?
[babbling] - Yeah. Uh-huh. Yes. Okay.
[babbling] - Yeah. Right. Okay.
I have no idea what it just said.
Back to you, Perch.
Thanks, Lurch. What a can of worms that was.
May I just say what a wonderful job you just did.
Really? You mean that, Perch?
[chuckles] No. I was talking to myself.
I- You- I- I- I can't believe you.
Yeah, all right, cut his mike.
I q-
[chuckles] Ah, classic.
And now it's time to read some fan mail.
Junk, junk, letter from my mom.
"Great job as always."
Oh. Tell me something I don't know, lady.
Oh, here's one from Lurch.
"Resignation", mm, not reading that.
Oh, a letter from SpongeBob.
It just says "The". Procrastinate much?
Here we go.
Well, thanks for watching the show, Plankton.
You're definitely our smallest viewer.
I'm Perch Perkins and that's all the news
that's fit to float.
♪ Good night ♪
[music playing]