Cyber Monday is today.
And it's the biggest online shopping day of the year.
Tomorrow is your credit has been,
credit card has been declined Tuesday, is what they call.
It but you don't have to worry about that, because today,
boy, you're going to get some good gifts, I'll tell you that.
[CHEERING]
All right, you know, I have to tell you something.
There's a lot that goes on before I
come out here and do a show.
We work very hard to give you a good show.
And when we have these 12 days, we
go through a lot of products.
I, you know, I really want to make
sure they are good products for all of you.
And what I do is I look for three things.
First is, do I want it?
That's how I ask myself.
[LAUGHTER]
Second is, it something that it would be,
I wouldn't normally get for myself?
And then a third is, how much could I
get for it on Craigslist?
[LAUGHTER]
Not all can pass the test, not all of them can.
So today I'm going to show you some products that
didn't make the cut.
There's nothing wrong with them.
It's just that they're not and things
we're going to give away today.
They're just things that we chose to pass on.
This first product is called garbage pants.
And--
[LAUGHTER]
So these are pants for your garbage can.
Instant makeover.
And I know you're thinking, it is about damn time, Ellen.
Why why is someone just thinking about this?
In case you're wondering how they work,
you know, they made a commercial.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Normal trash cans are just dull, boring, and gross looking.
It's time for your ugly bins to slip
into a pair of garbage pants.
It's like Calvin Kleins for trash cans.
They're cool fabric that you can put over your garbage cans,
garbage pants just spice them up and give you
a little flair and pizzazz.
The covers stretched to fit in most cans.
Just flip it over, pull down your pants, do a little dance,
and then start talking trash.
I'm going to be the cool neighbor on the street.
[APPLAUSE]
Poor lady, she thinks she's going to be a cool neighbor.
[LAUGHTER]
Everybody's going to be talking about it.
Yeah, they will.
Quick, back in the house.
Here comes the lady that puts pants on her trash can!
Here's another product that I want to show you.
This is, again, something we're not going to give away.
It's called the daddy's saddle.
Here it is right here.
[LAUGHTER]
In case I needed another reason not to have kids, here it is.
[LAUGHTER]
And they also made a commercial.
These are real.
This is a commercial.
[SINGING] Pony, pony, pony!
Pony, pony, pony!
Pony up, Daddy.
Pony Up Daddy is a fun saddle that fits your dad just right,
Now you can have a pony ride, day or night.
Don't worry, Mom.
You can Pony Up, too.
With Pony Up Daddy, Mom or Dad can transform a living room
into anything you can imagine.
So stop playing on your electronic devices
and on the TV.
It's time to play with your mom or dad instead.
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
You might know the daddy is by its original name.
Oh, my back!
[LAUGHING]
And the dad, look at the dad in the commercial, by the way.
Look at him, that guy, that poor actor.
That's his first acting job, I'm guessing.
You never want to hear the phrase, when you're an actor,
bend over and let me strap this saddle on you.
[LAUGHTER]
Now what you're going for.
Mom, Dad, I got a job.
[LAUGHTER]
All right, here is one more product.
I'm going to show you the commercial
first, because and just I want you
to know this is not at all-- none of these are jokes.
These are all real.
Those were commercials.
And this is a real commercial for a real product.
Introducing the original Trumpy Bear,
the fearless super plush American gristly.
Just find the secret zipper and pull out the flag blanket,
then wrap yourself in the red, white, and blue
for comfort and warmth.
Show your patriotism and proudly display
Trumpy on any American holiday.
God bless America.
And God bless Trumpy Bear.
Everyone knows Trumpy Bear loves to go to the golf course.
If I ride with Trumpy Bear, he makes my golf game great again.
Thank you, Trumpy Bear.
Even the toughest guys will love Trumpy Bear.
When America's great, business is great.
When business is great, I am great.
Order the super plush Trumpy Bear
for only two payments of $19.95 and receive
a special certificate of authenticity.
All right, so uh yeah.
[APPLAUSE]
I'm not sure what you're applauding, that they made
it or you're not sure either.
You're just like, I guess we're supposed to clap.
That's totally real.
I know, because I got one.
This is Trumpy Bear right here.
And of course, like this is it.
Like every great Trump product, Trumpy Bear
is proudly made in America.
I'm kidding.
It's made in China.
[LAUGHTER]
Trumpy Bear is made in China.
And let's look at that businessman again.
You know that he's a real businessman,
because he's got a keyboard that is attached to nothing.
[LAUGHTER]
Just a keyboard.
All right, so unfortunately, I'm not
going to give away any of these products.
I'm so sorry.
But--
[APPLAUSE]
What if I was?
What if this is really what you're getting?
[APPLAUSE]
No!