-Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome,
welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You’re here. You made it. Thank you for watching at home.
Guys, today is Groundhog Day. Yeah.
This morning, Punxsutawney Phil predicted an early spring
and six more weeks of Taylor and Travis
dominating our lives.
So that's -- Yeah.
Meanwhile, I saw that Punxsutawney Phil
is right only 39% of the time.
So pretty much the same as directions on Apple Maps.
Of course, everybody knows Punxsutawney Phil,
but here in New York, we have our own groundhog
named Staten Island Chuck.
That’s a real thing. Yeah, this is true.
He’s a little different than Phil.
I’ll show you. I mean, for instance, Phil...
While Chuck...
Long night.
Next up, Phil...
While Chuck...
And, finally Phil...
But with Chuck...
A little different, a little different.
A lot of people are talking about this -- today,
Apple launched their $3,500 Vision Pro headset.
Yeah, $3,500. If that’s too pricey,
there’s also the Vision Pro Nano,
which looks like an eye patch.
If you haven’t seen the headset, here it is.
Yeah, might cost you a lot, but at least you look cool.
Can we see him again?
Yeah, I’m pretty sure that guy’s using an app called
"Getting Canceled at Work."
What is that? Can’t do that.
Some political news -- according to
a new report, behind closed doors,
President Biden refers to former President Trump as a sick "F."
Yeah, it’s like the last hour of Thanksgiving
when grandpa gets spicy.
Yeah. A new report claims that behind the scenes,
Biden calls Trump a sick "F." And I think it’s true,
based on this text message Biden sent to an aide.
First, he wrote that...
Then he wrote...
Then...
Then the aide responded...
And finally, Biden wrote...
Yeah.
Listen to this --
I read that when the FBI was searching
Mar-A-Lago for classified documents,
they may have missed a hidden room
connected to Trump’s bedroom.
Yeah, a hidden room next to his bedroom.
So, in other words, Melania’s room.
-Oh!
-And get this -- in a new interview,
Trump said that
AI is "maybe the most dangerous thing out there."
Yeah. Trump said the only greater danger
than AI is a tanning bed that locks from the outside.
Some entertainment news, you guys.
The Grammy Awards are this Sunday.
There’s -- [ Cheers and applause ]
There are so many great artists
who are nominated and performing.
I’m not even sure if I can name or even pronounce them all.
-Oh, come on. No problem for me.
I know how to pronounce every musical artist’s name.
-I’m sorry, Higgins, you know how to pronounce
the name of every musical artist out there?
-Uh, yeah, I’m an announcer.
It’s kind of my job to know these things.
All right, go ahead. Test me. Give me some names.
-Okay, I guess I can test you real quick.
Who’s this?
-Easy, Jazz.
-Okay. Who’s this?
-Lucky Charms.
Come on, you got to give me some hard ones.
Rapid fire me. -Okay.
Rapid fire, here we go. Who’s this?
-Okay, Joe Biden.
Calvin and Hobbes.
Jack Sparrow.
Beyond Meat.
Easy cheese.
Dogecoin.
Oh. Duolingo.
Shawshank redemption.
Sega Genesis.
Sippin on some sizzurp.
Paramount Plus.
Patrick Mahomes.
♪ Ricola ♪
Naked and horny right there.
Oh, come on, that’s easy.
Mother. [ Cheers and applause ]
-You got it. Steve Higgins, everyone.
Well, speaking of Taylor, everyone’s been talking about
whether she will be able to get from her concert
in Tokyo to the Super Bowl, and today, the Japanese embassy
said that she will make it on time.
This is about to be the most watched flight
since the moon landing.
And finally, here in New York City,
the MTA just debuted new subway cars
that allow passengers to move freely from one car to another.
Take a look at this.
Yeah. It’s exciting.
Now that gross Snapple bottle full of mystery liquid
can roll from one end of the train to the other.
We have a great show tonight. The one and only Larry David
is here tonight.
Gosh, he's funny.
Cole Sprouse is on the show,
and we have stand up from Rob Hayes.
Let’s go write some thank you notes.
Come on.
-♪ Till the break of dawn ♪
♪ Want to get a cheap drink? You need a coupon ♪
♪ Get yourself retail before it get stale ♪
♪ So hurry up and go and get the sh... ♪
-Hey, uh, today is Friday,
and that’s usually when I catch up on some personal stuff.
You know, I check my inbox and return some e-mails,
and of course, I send out some thank you notes,
and I was just running a bit behind.
Would you guys mind if I write some thank you notes right now?
Is that okay?
James, can I get some thank you note-writing music, please?
[ Gentle music plays ]
Oh, thank you, bud.
[ Piano trill ]
♪♪
Thank you,
the first R in February,
for being like that quiet coworker
who never does any work, but somehow still has a job.
"What do you do?"
Thank you,
butter, for being the only food in the refrigerator
to get solitary confinement.
What'd you do?
Thank you,
airlines adding Super Bowl flights with Taylor Swift
and Travis Kelce-themed flight numbers...
[ Cheering ]
...for focusing on the important things,
instead of dumb stuff like keeping on doors and wheels.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you, February 14th,
for being the day we shower our loved ones
with thoughtful, generous, romantic gifts
that we frantically bought on February 13th.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you, Super Bowl parties, for being like Thanksgiving
if we got to eat the food we actually like.
[ Cheering ]
-What are you eating that you don't like at Thanksgiving?
-What?
-What are you eating you don't like at Thanksgiving?
-It's not every day you have a --
-You don't like turkey?
-Cranberry sauce with the berries in it.
-Okay. There's one.
-Creamed onions.
-Oh, come on, you don't like cream?
-I actually love Thanksgiving.
-Okay, then why'd you do that?
-Because you know what? -What?
-Who are you going to send that thank you note to?
-The show's not -- It's not about me.
You know, I like to give, and I like to celebrate.
-Sorry. Sorry. -My bad. My bad.
You're right. -Sorry. Maybe I care too much.
-Yeah, you care, you care,
and then you care some more.
-Thank you, studies showing that Americans
are already feeling overwhelmed and exhausted
by the 2024 election.
Thankfully, there's one leader
everyone turns to in situations like this...
Elmo. -Yeah.
There you have it, everybody. Those are my thank you notes!