-In this video,
I'm going to share five common ways women push men away in love.
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Hi, ladies Mat Shaffer, your empowerment, connection, and relationship coach.
I'm a former attorney who's committed his life to supporting you
and creating these fun, fulfilling, dynamic,
connections and relationships with men
that you are so worthy of and that I know you want
because guess what,
men want them too.
Let's dive into this because there are so many ways that I have seen women,
clients, and students that I work with all over the world,
they want an amazing relationship
and they're going through so much effort to try to go out there
and get that relationship,
but then they end up sabotaging it
because they have underlying things
happening beneath the surface that lead to the relationship to falling apart.
I'm going to dig into the five most common patterns
I see around this with my clients and students and just women in my life.
Before we do that, take a second to hit that little subscribe button,
and don't forget to click that link in the comments and caption.
I have created some great training that's going to make a huge difference
in your connections and relationships with men.
Please let us know in the comments what have been your most common ways
that you sabotage relationships up until now, of course.
Our first and probably the most common way that I see women sabotage
or undermine their relationships with men
is to make their happiness his responsibility.
What does this look like?
It looks like you put all your eggs in his basket, and again, men do this too.
We need to look out for this on both sides but when you basically make him
the sole person responsible for making you happy or not,
which means that you're not out there doing things for yourself.
You lose track of your own hobbies.
You lose track of your own passions
and suddenly this person in the relationship
the two of you have created together becomes your sole main focus of your life.
You lose yourself in that relationship.
Let me tell you from personal experience and from working
with lots of ladies around the world, it does not work.
It's not a sustainable way to build a relationship
because it's very pressurized.
It creates a ton of pressure for the men in your life.
What it actually ends up making a man feel.
It makes him feel like the relationship is work.
That making you happy is just another job
that he has to continually be stepping into all the time.
Ladies, if a man starts to feel like the relationship is work,
then the relationship has become the exact opposite
of what you're wanting it to be energetically.
You want your relationship with a man to be free
and spontaneous and fun and light and playful, not another job.
How do we avoid this?
As I said a minute ago, by maintaining our own life,
by maintaining our own friendships and hobbies
and all the things that may give us that sense of happiness
and fulfillment and independence.
You're not going to sacrifice all those just because you get into a relationship,
you're going to bring your relationship into your preexisting life.
Maintain your own identity in your own frame
and then that's going to really help him too
because it's going to give him the permission right to do the same thing.
To maintain his own life and his own freedom
and his own friendships and relationship
and then the two of you come together as two complete beings
rather than two incomplete people that are trying to complete each other.
Because guess what that is y'all,
that's co-dependence and that is not healthy
and it doesn't lead to the dynamic sustained relationships
that you're looking for.
The second way women push men away in a relationship
is by projecting their trauma onto him.
What do I mean by that?
Here's the thing.
I understand that both men and women,
we both come into the relational container with our past.
Our past is a part of us and we've all got trauma.
The mistake I see women making time and time again is they view
and evaluate their new partner and everything he's saying
and doing through the lens of their trauma.
Through trauma-colored glasses.
For example, if he shows up three minutes late to a date,
they get super triggered and activated by that
because their last boyfriend was chronically late all the time
and they end up blasting him
because of that past trauma which then leads
to him feeling like he's not being seen
and like he's not being appreciated for who he is
and he's being attacked for no reason or for a way overkill for the degree
of what actually happened.
When women just steadily project their trauma
and just blast their triggers
onto their partner over time,
it's going to end up with him pulling away and checking out of the relationship
because he feels like he can't do anything right
and like you're not seeing the real him.
How do we stop doing this?
We stop doing this by learning to identify what our triggers are.
By really starting to pinpoint what our wounds are
and how we tend to apply them to new men and new relationships,
and just whenever we feel those triggers coming up,
whenever we feel those wounds coming up,
whenever we feel like we're about to project onto our partner,
we want to consciously either remove ourselves from the situation
or just tell our partner that we're feeling triggered.
This is where it's coming from.
It's not about them so don't be offended.
Don't take this personally
but it's really healthy to remove yourself from that situation
and don't let your triggers or your wounds get all over your partner.
If you're able to share them with him in a calm manner,
it's going to give you an opportunity for the two of you to really work through
and help heal them,
so that you don't feel that need to project your wounds onto them anymore.
The third way women push men away in a relationship
is by not taking the time to learn how he receives
and expresses acknowledgment,
and this is so common.
We have this tendency to assume that our partner
wants to be acknowledged and touched the same way that we do.
We just assume that our partner has the same love languages
that we do when in reality,
a lot of times our partner has very different needs,
very different emotional needs, very different physical needs than we do.
When we go into a relationship
and conduct ourselves in a relationship
assuming that our partner is the same as we are, what are we doing?
We're setting ourselves up for disappointment because inevitably,
our partner is going to be different from us.
If we just keep treating that person like we would like to be treated,
without taking the time to understand them as an individual
and their specific unique needs,
we're going to end up letting them down.
Then they're going to end up letting us down
because it just doesn't work.
There's like a complete lack of connection and communication there.
Take the time to learn your partner's love languages.
To learn how he likes to be touched.
How do you do that?
By asking him questions.
If you want to know what he likes in bed, ask him questions.
Be open with him about what your needs are
and create this open dialogue with him
around how y'all like to give and receive communication,
acknowledgment, affection, feedback, all of this great stuff.
That's going to keep you two from pushing each other apart and instead,
it's going to bring you closer together.
The fourth way women push men away in a relationship
is by being reactive to them
and being reactive to situations involving them.
What does that mean?
In any situation that you encounter,
both in your relationship or your connection with a guy
or just generally in the world, you always have two choices,
to respond or to react.
That one choice,
because when we're reacting we're reacting from our emotions.
We talked earlier about triggers and projecting.
The way that we respond to our triggers
if we respond to them by reacting, then what are we doing?
We are exploding our trigger and projecting our wounds onto our partner
which then sabotages the relationship.
Anytime you're in a situation with him
regardless of whether he's done something really wrong or not,
if you become emotionally reactive with him
and start becoming very aggressive towards him
and belittle him or just attack him,
you're going to run the risk of really shutting him down
and activating what's known as his momma trauma.
Almost every man that I've ever known has a really core wound around his mother
where one of the most traumatic experiences
we had growing up was our moms being mad at us.
If you come at him with a very aggressive emotional energy,
then you're going to run the risk
of activating his momma trauma and shutting him down.
Instead of choosing to be reactive and reacting to him emotionally
for whatever he did,
you can make a conscious choice to respond
from what your intention is for the relationship
that you want to have with him.
If say you want to have a relationship, a partnership of love, of warmth with him,
you will respond to him being super late for a date or forgetting your birthday
or something like that, you're going to respond with patients with compassion.
You're going to come into that conversation
with an energy of partnership
and give him a chance to explain his side of it and make it up to you.
Do you see how that's going to create a much more stable basis
for building a relationship than being reactive?
Because here's the thing, when you're reactive to him,
let me just tell you,
you're going to be inviting him to be reactive back at you,
and then it just creates an escalation
that does not result in a constructive resolution
to the conflict.
The last and one of the biggest ways that women push men away
in a relationship
is by not being their authentic selves
with the man that they like.
This is such a common thing, and I understand why women do it.
Because when you first meet somebody new, of course,
you have this impulse to just be
whoever you get to be for him to really like you,
so you want to be interested in everything he's interested in,
and you want to go along with everything he says
and you want to laugh at every one of his jokes
and you want to present yourself in this perfect polished way
just to make sure that he likes you
because you really want to be liked by him.
I get it and I understand it, but here's the thing,
a man does not want
that perfect polished version of you that's pretzelling,
bending yourself around everything that he's into and that he wants.
A man wants to see and feel the truth of who you are.
A man wants to feel the differences between the two of you,
he wants to feel the weight of your own frame,
of your own passions, of your own interests.
He wants to see that raw sensual version of you
because that's what a man is craving.
A man is craving your truth, to see it, feel it to experience it,
and if you present yourself
as something that isn't that in the early stages
of getting to know him
and he falls in love with that, thinking that that's your truth,
and then you after a little while relax,
you're okay, I guess now I can fart in front of them
and be my normal self with them, and you just let your guard down
and you become this completely different person,
guess what, he's going to be like,
well, who is this person?
This is different than the person
that I was first getting to know
and now she's this totally different person.
He's going to maybe feel like it was a little bit of a bait and switch.
It's happened to me before
where I've started to get to know somebody
and then within a couple of months,
they start acting and treating me like a completely different person
because they feel like they've put enough time
in that they can shift into their normal self.
Even if that person is great,
that person isn't the person that I initially met
and got to know, so don't.
You're not doing anyone any favors by presenting this polished,
completely different version of yourself to a man that you want to get to know.
You get to make a choice,
to show up unapologetically in ownership of who you are
and present your best authentic self to a man
that you're looking to get to know.
One of the best check-in questions you can give yourself during that process,
the early stages of getting to know somebody is to ask yourself,
would my friends and family recognize me right now?
Would the people closest to me recognize who I'm being right now?
If the answer is, no, take a minute and recalibrate and adjust,
because you don't want a man to fall in love with who you're not,
you want a man to fall for who you are.
If you do anything other than that, you're actually pushing away,
a man who might truly care about you,
or you're wasting time with a man who's just taking up space.
If a man doesn't like who you are authentically,
that man gets to go,
which then it's going to free up room for another man
to come in who truly sees and honors, and cherishes the real you.
Ladies, remember these five common ways that women push men away.
If you've been guilty of any one or more of them, don't worry, it's fine,
but let's take the time to identify maybe the ones that we use in pattern,
in relationships and consciously release them
so we can stop wasting time in relationships
that don't go anywhere.
To review those five are number one, making your happiness his responsibility.
Remember, no man wants a relationship to feel like his job,
so maintain your own friends, your own passions,
your own hobbies your own life,
and bring him into that life as a partner,
you two are two full and complete beings
coming together in partnership, not completing each other in codependency.
Number two projecting your trauma onto him, this is super common.
Leave the past in the past.
I'm not saying that you're not going to be learning from the people
that have hurt you in the past
but don't assume that just because you've made a parallel
or a connection between your partner's behavior
and the wounds of your past,
don't just assume that he is that past person because he's not.
He's a unique person and be vulnerable with him about your triggers,
be in ownership of your triggers
and give yourself a chance to heal it together,
because that's very, very possible if you're both vulnerable
and open to that.
The third way women push men away is by not taking the time
to learn how they receive acknowledgment,
not speaking to them through their love languages,
not giving them physical touch,
which is very commonly what a man is craving from you.
Not holding space for him in a meaningful way.
You really want to take the time by asking questions
and really figuring out
what would you like me to do,
how would you like me to show up in a way
that's really going to land for you and be meaningful for you?
That goes both way, you're going to want to share with him your needs
around that too.
That way, you two can both truly make each other happy.
The fourth common way that women push men away
is by being reactive towards them with any situation that comes up.
What does it mean to be reactive?
It means that you're reacting emotionally without a lot of thought,
without a lot of control,
and without any conscious intention,
it's just an emotional reaction.
He does something and you come over the top
and a lot of times you're aggressive with him in a reactive way.
When you do that, remember, you're going to activate his momma trauma,
you're going to get him to shut down or for him to be reactive back to you,
which is going to escalate the situation.
Instead of doing that, you get to respond,
you get to respond from your intention
for the relationship you want, the partnership you want,
the calm, constructive, loving connection that you're looking to build with him,
so no matter what he does,
how can you respond consciously rather than react emotionally?
The last and most common way that women push men away in a relationship
is by not showing up as their authentic selves.
By trying to be too polished, too perfect,
or to pretzel around what they think a man wants to see
and experience from them, instead of understanding
that fundamental truth
that we are craving your deepest most authentic expression,
we want to know that rough sensual unapologetic ownership, that is so sexy.
It's so high value to us
when a woman shows up as who she is without any attachment
to how she's received by us.
That is extremely hot and extremely magnetic,
and I invite you to do it with every man that you go out there and date.
I hope that these five things, resonated with you,
and I hope that you take them out there,
and you use them to identify your own patterns
and to stop pushing men away if any one of them seems like it fits you.
Before you do that, take a second and hit that little subscribe button,
click the little bell so you get notified every time I upload a new video
and don't forget to click the link in the comments and caption.
I have created some awesome training that's going to make a huge difference
in your connections and relationships with men.
For all of you, sound off in the comments,
let us know what's been the most common thing
that you've done to push men away
and what are you committed to doing to change it
moving forward
because you are worthy of an amazing loving relationship.
Thanks so much for stopping by and I'll see you my next video.
Bye-bye.
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